Author: coachrita365

On a rational level we know that perfection is impossible to achieve but that doesn’t stop a perfectionist from trying. 

Perfectionism is defined as the need to appear perfect and is not the same as striving to be your best. Healthy perfectionism can be self-motivating and drive you to overcome adversity and achieve success. Unhealthy perfectionism makes life an endless report card on accomplishments and/or looks. It is extremely stressful because you constantly worry about making everything perfect, believe nothing is ever good enough, and never feel satisfied or fulfilled from your efforts.

How Do We Develop Unhealthy Perfectionism?

Unhealthy perfectionism is driven primarily by internal pressures, such as feelings of unworthiness; low self-esteem; fear of failure; the desire to avoid criticism or harsh judgement; the need to be praised or rewarded in some way that is meaningful to you and painful childhood experiences that you want to avoid ever feeling again.

Many factors can contribute to the development of unhealthy perfectionism, including:

The widespread presence of social media and the negative social comparisons it provokes has caused perfectionism to increase substantially over the past 30 years, especially among young people.

Having a parent who exhibits perfectionistic behavior or expresses disapproval when their children’s efforts do not result in perfection. Some parents may encourage their child to succeed in every area or push perfection on them to an extent that can be damaging to their self-esteem and considered abusive.

A history of high achievement can cause you to feel that you must live up to previous achievements. Children who are frequently praised for their accomplishments may feel pressure to keep achieving as they age, which can also cause perfectionistic tendencies.

There are three types of perfectionism:

1. Self-oriented or self-critical which is imposing an unrealistic desire to be perfect on yourself.
2. Other-oriented that drives you to impose unrealistic standards of perfectionism on others.
3. Socially imposed perfectionism that perceives unrealistic expectations of perfection from others.

Of course, you can have all three. For example, you expect yourself to be the perfect spouse and parent, you impose unrealistic standards on your spouse and children because a perfect person would have a perfect family, and you do this because you believe your parents or in-laws have these expectations of you. It’s a triple whammy of self-imposed stress.

What you expect of yourself, expect of others, or believe they expect from you may impact many areas of your life including:

Relationships: It can bring extra stress and pressure into your relationships and cause people in your life to feel like they can never live up to your standards, which can negatively impact their self-esteem and level of confidence.

Environment or surroundings: This may include the need for your home or yard to be immaculate at all times, requiring a large amount of time and energy to keep surroundings in line with your standards.

Communication: When a person is perfectionistic about how they speak or write, or when you’re with someone who constantly criticizes yours or others speech and writing, you are likely to speak very little or avoid writing for fear of making a mistake.

Physical appearance: This type of perfectionism can cause someone to worry excessively about how they look. They may take hours choosing what to wear or how to style their hair. Perfectionism surrounding physical appearance can also lead to eating disorders.

Are you a perfectionist?

Do you have any of the following characteristics of perfectionists:

1. Set unrealistically high expectations for yourself and others.
2. Quick to find fault and overly critical of mistakes.
3. Procrastinate finishing a task until the result is perfect according to your standards or procrastinate beginning one out of fear of failure.
4. Shrug off compliments and find it difficult to celebrate success.
5. Look to specific people for approval and validation.
6. Constantly compare your work to the work of others and judge it never good enough.
7. Spend an excessive amount of time writing and rewriting a two-sentence email.
8. Find it difficult to be happy for others who are successful.
9. Avoid playing a game or trying a new activity with friends for fear of appearing less than perfect.
10. Continue to feel unsatisfied even when you achieve your desired result.

Managing Unhealthy Perfectionism

If you find that you have traits of perfectionism that cause you daily distress, know that perfectionistic behavior and habits can be changed. It is possible to learn healthier attitudes about your goals and standards.

First, focus on managing unhealthy perfectionism, since attempting to overcome it can set you up for failure. Changing negative thinking and behavior that is the result of a fear-based belief system takes time because your perfectionistic reactions have become habits. You have to identify the behavior and thinking at the moment it happens and replace it with healthier thoughts and behaviors until those become habits.

Second, follow the ABC approach mentioned in last month’s article on “I Must Be Perfect.”

A = Awareness of when perfectionism is negatively impacting your life. It may be at work, home, or when you are with certain people. Understanding this will help you focus on areas that need to change.

B = Belief this thinking and behavior is based on that needs to be replaced with non-perfectionistic thinking and behavior.

C = Choose to risk changing the behavior and thinking to eliminate the perfectionistic thinking and behavior and see what happens. I promise the result won’t be as terrible as you are imaging it will.

Third, the solution is always within the problem. You can take each one of the 10 perfectionistic traits you identified with and turn it around.  For example,

1. Ask yourself if your expectation is unrealistically high for yourself or others.
2. Notice when you are finding fault with others and being overly critical of their mistakes and try finding something to compliment.
3. Instead of procrastinating out of fear of failure, ask yourself what’s the worst that can happen if results are less than perfect?
4. Accept compliments with a “thank you” and begin to celebrate small achievements.

I think you get the idea. You can follow the four examples for each one of the ten you think describes you.

The goal is to replace perfectionist thinking with realistic thinking, let go of the comparison mindset, use compassionate self-talk to replace critical thoughts, challenge negative self-judgments by asking why you believe it’s true, and be present in the moment and choose to end unhealthy perfectionism when it happens so the old self-destructive habits go away.

Positive Perfectionism

Your feelings are your barometer that indicate healthy and unhealthy perfectionism. Do you feel motivated and energized by your goals and not overwhelmed or paralyzed by what you believe you have to do or must do rather than what you want to do?  When you’re doing what you really want to do you will feel excitement instead of fear. You will hear other people’s criticisms as their opinion and not necessarily true for you. You will feel proud of what you’ve attempted to do even if the outcome was less than perfect.

So, strive for excellence instead of demanding perfection, set stretch goals, have high standards, focus on what you have accomplished, and rather than being paralyzed by your fear of failure, go for growth, and enjoy being challenged.  You will achieve more in the long run and live to enjoy it.

Values = Beliefs = Choices = Behavior  = Outcome

Your life is a reflection of values and beliefs that influenced the choices you saw, decisions you made, and created the life you have today. When you understand the link between the beliefs and behaviors that shaped your life,  you can  begin to question if those beliefs are still valid, and will they enable the changes you desire in your personal and/or professional life. They led you to where you are today, but will they take you to where you want to be in the future?

The saying “Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results” has almost become a cliché, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true. If you want a different outcome you have to engage in different behavior. This is challenging because behaviors become habits and automatic reactions that are supported by beliefs  that may no longer be relevant. Change is difficult to make and sustain because it requires replacing both beliefs and behaviors that are barriers with new ones that facilitate realization of the life you want. Not doing this leads to a pattern of setting goals and New Year’s Resolutions but not achieving them.

The need for approval is the limiting belief I hear most often from clients who aren’t successfully making the changes they say they want. When your first thought is “what will they think if I do this”, you’re giving someone the power to control your future.  You’re saying that they know better than you do what’s best for you and if they disapprove of the change you want to make you must be making the wrong choice that will result in the wrong decision. 

When you fail to make the choice that you believed was a better choice for you because someone disapproves, you live the life they want you to live.  You choose their approval over your happiness.  You end up unhappy and wonder why?

When you turn an individual decision into a group decision by seeking approval for the changes you want to make, you’re asking permission from someone who likely doesn’t have the same goals you do. They won’t live with the feeling of being stuck in a life they’re outgrown that you will.

It’s not difficult to understand why the fear of disapproval is so prevalent. As a child, you didn’t question  what someone else said you could not – or should not – do.  You accepted what they said as truth because they were older and wiser.  Approval from parents, teachers, and fitting in with your peer group felt good. Doing what they wanted you to do was rewarded while doing what you wanted to do was punished and being different from your peers could lead to being ostracized.

Seeking approval becomes a habit that’s hard to break. As adults we have the power to make decisions about our life, even if others disapprove or we’re ostracized by our peer group. Disapproval doesn’t feel good if we believe the negative feedback and criticism we may hear from others when we share our goals.

Who wants to hear “you’re too old to do that,” when we say we want to change careers; “what if you lose all your money,” if you share that you’re thinking about starting your own business;  “are you crazy, you’ll never find another partner better than the one you have now, when you say you’re thinking about ending your relationship; “do you know how expensive tuition is these days,” if you’re wanting to go back to school; or the overall guilt inducing one, “why can’t you be happy with the way things are, you’re so blessed.”

As an adult you can still be ostracized by your peer group who may be threatened by the changes you’re making.  Losing weight requires you to change your diet. If your social life centers around food and wine – too much food and wine – sustaining the behavior that results in losing weight may affect your relationships. Successfully making any type of change that requires you to move out of your comfort zone may threaten your existing relationships and require new relationships with people who are already – or on their way to – living the life you want to live.  

You can question – and should question – the opinions of others that can become a barrier to making changes you want to make, especially when they make you feel worse instead of better about yourself. Unfortunately, the world we live in tends to focus more on limits than on possibilities. We often believe the criticisms and negativity we hear from others when it’s really their insecurities being expressed as their opinions.

You have to ask yourself why their approval is so important to you, why you think you need permission, and what bad thing you fear will happen if they disapprove and you move forward with the changes you want to make anyway. 

I’ve faced disapproval from friends and family when I’ve made significant life choices that they didn’t understand. What I’ve learned is that most people will express their opinion without you asking what they think, those who disapprove will get over it and eventually say “I always knew you could do it,” and life works much better when you make choices that you believe are best for you.

The table below illustrates desired beliefs and behaviors that replace the limiting beliefs and behaviors that have become a barrier for you.  My clients have found that following the “A,B,C”  process is effective in reexamining and replacing limiting beliefs and behaviors with ones that support personal growth.

A = Awareness of situations where you feel the need for approval and the people you seek approval from. Who is your “they” when the thought of “what will they say” pops into your head.

B= Belief about the consequences of disapproval. What is the fear of disapproval based on? Is this a valid fear?

B = Behavior that doesn’t support you in achieving your goal that you can recognize, stop in the moment, and replace with behavior that does.

C = Choice you make to consistently follow the ABC process described above, question the criticism you hear from others rather than accepting it as fact, and to spend more time with people who support your goals and less with people who don’t.

Following the ABC process will feel uncomfortable in the beginning, but if you’re consistent it will eventually feel natural. Your level of confidence and quality of relationships will increase as you take charge of creating the life you want.

	Limiting Beliefs & Behaviors	Desired Beliefs & Behaviors
Belief	I must have approval.	Approval is nice but not necessary.
Thinking	What will they think? Everyone must like me. If others disapprove of what I want to do it means I’m making a mistake.	They will think whatever they think and that’s ok. Some people may not like me and that’s ok.  Do I  like everyone? If others disapprove of what I want to do it doesn’t mean I’m making a mistake.
Attitude	Accommodating Indecisive	Confident Decisive.
Behavior	I only do what someone tells me I should do or can do. I turn an individual decision into a group decision.	I take responsibility for making decisions that are best for me.
Outcome	I am living someone else’s life and wondering why I’m not happy	I am living the life that’s the best life for me and I’m building relationships with people who support me.