If you think it’s time to look for a new job or completely change careers, it probably is. Ten clues will help you clarify your current situation and decide whether to stay or go.

1. Your body is telling you enough is enough!

Do you get the “Sunday-night dread’? It’s no coincidence that these feelings happen when they do; your body is telling you it knows what Monday will bring and isn’t happy about it.

• Are you constantly exhausted?
• Do you struggle to concentrate?
• Do you have headaches?

2. Your job is impacting your self-esteem

A fulfilling career should boost your confidence and self-esteem, not the opposite. If you begin to doubt yourself and your abilities, something must change. Staying in a job that makes you feel bad about yourself can seriously impact your self-confidence and career opportunities in the long term.

• You feel like your suggestions are ignored.
• You’re not confident in your decision-making.
• You see no opportunity for growth or progression.

3. You’re only there for the money

Making money in a job that sacrifices your happiness is not worth the payoff. A career that brings personal and professional satisfaction beats all that money. Material things will never make up for hating your job.

• You tell yourself you’ll only stay until you get your bonus.
• You buy nice things to compensate for the pain of having a job you hate.
• You envy friends with less well-paid jobs but greater job satisfaction.

4. You dream of a different career

If you’re wondering wistfully what it might be like to work for a top company in a culture and job that aligns with your passion, redirect your thinking to figuring out how to make it happen.

• You always have a browser open on a job listing website but only look and do nothing.
• You often read about the lives and careers of people you admire to distract yourself from your job.
• You hate telling people what your job is and wish you could say something different.

5. You’re lacking energy, and you’re eternally bored

We all have days when we lack enthusiasm for our job, but it shouldn’t be every day. When you see everything boring, it’s time for a change.

• You struggle to get out of bed early to go to the office.
• The days seem to last forever
• You’re tired all day, find it hard to stay awake in meetings, have nothing to contribute, and can no longer fake enthusiasm.

6. You’ve become disconnected from your passions

You feel disconnected from the original reason you chose your career. The challenge and creativity that initially enticed you has become routine, and you spend more time sitting in meetings than creating anything of substance. Remembering why you chose the career you did can help you identify what needs to change. Are your values still the same, or have you changed as you’ve grown older and more experienced?

• You miss doing what brought you into the industry in the first place.
• You feel like your job is taking away time when you could do what you’re passionate about.
• You don’t recognize the person you’ve become in this job as it is so far removed from the person you were when you started the job.

7. You’re jealous of friends’ jobs

Envying the jobs, careers, or work cultures of friends or family can signal that you want to be doing something else, somewhere else. It can efficiently pinpoint where you want to go with your career.

• You dream of having the creativity and flexibility your friends have in their careers.
• You want to work for a company where work-life balance exists.
• You’re constantly exclaiming how wonderful your friends’ jobs sound.

8. You’ve retired on the job

Why bother? Your suggestions have been ignored or rejected, or you work for a company that would like you to do what you are paid to do rather than suggest improvements. You have great ideas, but no longer bother sharing them. You do the minimum of what’s required to keep your job.

• You have no interest in the company you work for.
• You are coasting along and no longer looking for opportunities for promotion or advancement.
• You’re saving your innovative ideas for a job with another company or your own company.

9. You would leave right now if you could

 If you could leave your job right now and remain financially secure, would you? If yes, start working out what’s required to do that and develop a timeline for making it happen.

• Money is the only thing keeping you in your job.
• You’re already saving up for the day you can leave.
• You’ve dreamed of starting your own business but haven’t taken steps to learn what’s involved.

10. Your friends don’t recognize you anymore

The people closest to you can see that your job is taking its toll on you and not making you happy. They remember when you were enthusiastic, creative, and inspired to go out and achieve, and they don’t recognize the person always complaining. It’s time to take stock and start thinking about the person they used to know and how you can return to being that person.

• You have less time for family and friends; when you do, you’re stressed and unhappy.
• You don’t have the time or energy for the things that used to make you happy.
• You’ve become so negative you’re a real drag to be around.

So now what?

You’re miserable; you know it’s time to change something, but you feel stuck and unable to move forward. Let’s break down what feels overwhelming into manageable steps.

First, ask yourself if the problem is the company, the industry, or the job itself.

• If you think you would be happy doing your job but doing it somewhere else, think about working for another company.
  
• If you believe this job will always leave you depressed, undervalued, and overworked, consider changing your profession.
  
• If you’re in a dying industry that offers no opportunity to advance in your career, explore changing industries.

Your answers help you gain clarity about what to focus on changing.

Next month, we will talk about transferable skills that expand your career options. You have more to offer the world than you realize.

Dirty Dozen #12

A negative self-image and low self-confidence are the root causes of each of “The Dirty Dozen” barriers to success I have written about over the past year. Increasing your confidence and improving your self-image make it possible for you to conquer the other eleven.

Self-Esteem vs. Self Confidence

It is essential to differentiate self-confidence from self-esteem. Self-esteem is the degree to which you value yourself. Self-confidence is the degree to which you value your abilities or capabilities. You can’t have one without the other. Developing a more positive self-image will increase your level of self-confidence, and increasing your self-confidence will improve your self-image.

Self-esteem is a state of mind, and it can be changed. Raising your self-esteem requires a combination of changing what you think and what you do. We increase our self-confidence by stretching beyond our comfort zone; if you don’t stretch, you don’t grow.

We Teach People How to Treat Us. How’s the World Treating You?

Feeling, thinking, and talking about yourself in a particular way creates the image you project to others and becomes a habit after a while. You can become so accustomed to putting yourself down that you don’t recognize when others do.

Beliefs create behaviors, and behaviors create the image you project to others. If you don’t respect and value yourself, others won’t respect you either. If you don’t believe you can take on new challenges, others won’t either, and new opportunities will go to someone else. This reinforces your negative beliefs about yourself and becomes a difficult cycle to break out of.

This is not to blame you but to help you realize that the beliefs you’ve developed over your lifetime create behaviors that determine how the world treats you. What are you not doing now because you don’t believe you can? What unacceptable behavior are you accepting from others because you think you must? What uncomfortable feeling would you like never to feel again?

Confidence vs. Arrogance

We often confuse confidence with arrogance, but it’s not the same.

1. Arrogance is loud. Confidence is quiet.
2. Arrogance is critical. Confidence is supportive.
3. Arrogance has all the answers. Confidence knows that there are many choices.
4. Arrogance is never wrong. Confidence doesn’t fear being wrong.
5. Arrogance is judgmental of how others live their life. Confidence accepts that each
   person is unique and makes different choices, and that’s ok.
6. Arrogance has a high need to control – everything. Confidence contributes to the
   situation without needing to control it.
7. Arrogance has the solution to everybody’s problems. Confidence focuses on solving
   problems they own.

Confidence is the feeling of trust in one’s abilities, qualities, and judgment. It is the energy and belief that you have in yourself that if you use your skills, knowledge, and special abilities towards your goals, you can achieve whatever you want. Most of all, you replace fear of what might happen with confidence in your ability to handle whatever does happen.

A Positive Self-Image and Increased Self-Confidence Defeat the “Dirty Dozen.”

As your level of confidence increases, your thinking and behavior will change. You will respond to situations and people from a position of strength.

1. You won’t seek the approval of others because you understand it’s only their opinion, and yours is the one that matters.
2. You’re not burdened with the need to be perfect because you realize no one is.
3. Fear of failure will not hold you back because you know that experiencing failure is how you learn and grow.
4. Rejection doesn’t devastate you because you understand that we are all rejected multiple times for multiple reasons. Something better is coming.
5. You will make plans instead of excuses and be honest about what you do and don’t want to do.
6. You won’t be paralyzed by indecisiveness from fear of making the wrong decision because you are confident that you will survive and learn from your bad choices.
7. You no longer fear change and have the courage to move beyond your comfort zone to discover opportunities change creates.
8. You aren’t stuck in the world of “if only” and can let go of the past to have the energy to create a better future.
9. You don’t feel inferior to others because you understand that we each have our strengths and weaknesses, and our weaknesses don’t mean we’re inferior.
10. You embrace the success you’ve worked hard to achieve and don’t need to hide or downplay your accomplishments, so others feel better.
11. You don’t let the belief of “if it’s meant to be, it will be.” You take responsibility for creating the life you want. You embrace the belief of “Leap and the net will appear.”

Most of all, you replace fear of what might happen with confidence in your ability to handle whatever does happen.

The ABC Solution to Rethink, Reprogram, and Rebuild a More Positive View of You.

So, how do you develop the confidence to respond in the ways described above? The “ABC” steps described below will help you increase your self-confidence and self-esteem. Begin by applying the process to one of the dirty dozen that creates the most significant barrier for you.

Awareness is the first step to change. We may feel confident in some areas and when we’re with certain people and less confident with others and other situations. Become aware of situations where you feel less confident and how that feeling affects how you talk about yourself or if you talk at all. Do you feel diminished in their presence? Who are you with, what do they say and do, and how do you react? We teach people how to treat us. What lesson are you teaching? Answering the question, “How’s the world treating me,” is an excellent place to start identifying a pattern of behavior in certain situations that doesn’t bring you the desired results.

Beliefs create behaviors that become barriers to feeling confident. Question if your beliefs about yourself are true, false, fact, or fiction. What are you believing about yourself when you begin to feel uncomfortable? Is the belief based on what someone told you and you accepted as accurate? How do you know it’s true? It’s just a thought stuck in your head because you’ve repeated it to yourself repeatedly. Consider whether this belief affected your relationship and career choices and whether it’s true. What if it is true? You are much more than the situations in your life and the judgments of those around you.

Choice, Change, Control, & Courage:  There are things you can do to improve how you feel about yourself.

• You choose your thoughts and actions. You can choose different thoughts and actions. You can refocus on your strengths rather than weaknesses.
• You choose your behavior. You can choose to change your behavior to create a better outcome.
• You choose how you react, adapt, and respond to circumstances that may have been beyond your control but still affect what you believe about yourself.
• You choose to learn from past mistakes and commit to making better decisions.
• You can’t always change how others treat you, but you can choose to surround yourself with people who treat you well.

Courage Is Required to Make the First Change

What if they don’t like you anymore? You will find people who do. What if they say you’re arrogant? You’ll know you are projecting a level of confidence they haven’t seen from you before. What if it feels uncomfortable? It will. That’s why you need courage. The key is to focus only on the first change, only on one of the dirty dozen. When you begin to see positive results, you can move on to the next one. A small change can lead to big results.

Stop Playing Small When You Were Meant To Be Big

            I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes by Marianne Williamson

Our Deepest Fear
By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us;
It’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

Dirty Dozen #11

Call it middle age crazy or an opportunity too good to pass up, but 30 years ago I  made a change  that turned my life upside down without fully understanding how big the change would be and how people in my life would be affected by my decision. I understand now that change has a ripple effect that leads to  other changes that do affect your relationships.  There is no such thing as a small change.  

A fear of change is really a fear of the unknown, the unanticipated consequences that might happen, and your inability to deal with them if they do.

Can you handle the disruption change triggers, the impact to your relationships, the pain of letting go of the old for the new, and what others might say – especially the ones who told you that you were making a big mistake,

Fear is an emotion that causes you to lose clarity about your skills and abilities to handle the unknown. We like to feel in control. Uncertainty feeds our fears and clouds our ability to see what we really want.

If we believed we could handle the outcome of making the changes we desire– no matter what – there would be no reason not to pursue opportunities that require us to make changes in our life. Faith in our abilities would be stronger than our fear of failing.

Fear prevents you from making the changes you need to make your life better. Staying put, however, can be riskier than changing. Whether it’s in your career or a relationship, you risk being left behind if you don’t continue to grow. It’s easy to become comfortable with the status quo until one day you are forced to change when staying put is no longer an option.

Your company decides to eliminate your position, your spouse leaves you for someone else, your house burns down, etc. You are pulled out of your complacency kicking and screaming into a new life you didn’t choose.

And then there are those of us who choose to disrupt our predictable life for one we believe will lead us to a better, happier, and more challenging life. The changes we make are the changes we choose because we are ready to design the next chapter of our life. 

Whether you choose to change some aspect of your life or are being forced to, you will experience a time of transition until you feel comfortable in a new life. It will feel like you are riding a roller coaster of emotions ranging from feeling sad, angry, scared, confused, combined with excrement, gratitude, joy. It can feel like the best of times and the worst of times at the same time. You’re at the end of one chapter of your life and may have no idea what the next chapter will be.

Understanding how to manage the transition triggered by change helps you feel more in control and flow through the process much easier.

Change begins with an ending. Even if you choose this change you must deal with the process of letting go of the old to move to the new. If this change was forced, you may spend time feeling angry and blaming others for the situation you find yourself in. Of course, this just keeps you stuck in a past that no longer exists. 

Change requires us to choose. One chapter ends and you can write the next one. You can design a life that is even better than the life you’re hanging on to that no longer exists. You can stay stuck, or you can move forward. This is your choice.

You’ll know you’re moving out of the ending phase when you begin to think and talk more about the future and less about the past and more about possibilities than limits.

I call the next phase the miserable middle. You’re not where you were but not yet in the new. You’re in the uncomfortable in-between that can be very confusing. You may have jumped into a new job or relationship to fill the void created by what you left behind and it didn’t work out. You didn’t take the time to think about how change has changed  you, and that’s what the middle phase is all about.

You will have days when you think you’re crazy when you’re only confused. Your language reflects the “yes but” you’re feeling because you’re seeing options and opportunities, but not for you.

The middle phase isn’t pleasant and you may slip back into regret about the good old days before changed pushed you out of your comfort zone or that you made a huge mistake when you chose to leave a life you’ve outgrown.

The miserable middle becomes less miserable as you gain clarity about what you want and don’t want in this phase of your life. You will begin to write the next chapter of your life and be willing to make a few edits along the way.

You will know you are moving to the final phase of transition when you are willing to make a commitment to a new career, relationship, and how you want to experience life at this phase of your life despite twinges of fear that are normal anytime we move or are pushed out of our comfort zone.

To start a new chapter in your life, you must finish one first, and that’s what the transition process is all about.

Sometimes we resist the end of a particular phase in our lives because we confuse the chapter with the book. Your book can have many chapters and unexpected twists. That’s what makes a good book. Not every chapter will be successful. And that’s okay—you can always write a new one. The beauty of life is that you can course correct. Use that energy to write the next chapter.

Don’t let fear of change close the door to new chapters. When we want to protect ourselves from uncertainty, we lose awareness of the present moment. And we stop enjoying what life gives us.

My story had a happy ending, despite a few bumps along the way.  I had outgrown some relationships and had to leave them behind while developing new ones that fit better with who I was becoming, others had to be redefined. I definitely was writing the next chapter of my life but wouldn’t be the last. As I’m moving into the next phase of my life I’m realizing that it’s possible to have a book with many chapters.  And that’s ok.

Dirty Dozen #10

I was a shy sixteen-year-old, feeling inferior in every possible way, the summer I worked at our local hospital. The Director of Nursing was a strong loud woman dressed in the white starched uniform nurses wore back then. I felt more inferior in her presence than in the doctors. Whenever I saw her coming, I would turn and go the other direction.

One day she stopped beside me, put her arm around my shoulder and said: “I want you to look at my shoes.” I immediately thought something was wrong with mine and expected to be reprimanded. Instead, her words taught me a valuable lesson that has served me well throughout my career.

She said: “when I get up in the morning, I put my shoes on the same way you do – one foot at a time. You have no reason to be afraid of me. The only difference between us is that I have a different title. You could be running this hospital one day and I would be working for you.”

“Wow,” I thought. “There’s nothing wrong with my shoes? She doesn’t think I’m young and stupid? She doesn’t believe I’m inferior to her, we just have a different title. She saw potential that my inferiority complex prevented me from seeing, and a future that I couldn’t imagine. She made me feel important not inferior.

 In that moment, I started seeing myself differently. My self-image began to change from a shy sixteen-year-old to a young woman becoming more confident she could achieve whatever she desired if she was willing to work for it. My title reflected my current role, not my future possibilities.

When I felt inferior around certain people from that point on, I would ask myself why? The answer was often that they had a different title, graduated from a more prestigious school, had more money, or some other reason that meant we had different life experiences, but didn’t mean either of us was inferior to the other.

An inferiority complex is a belief that you are not enough. You compare yourself to others and feel “less than” in multiple ways. You feel inadequate, insecure, and physically or mentally inferior to others. You believe that you neither deserve nor can create the life you want.  It’s a belief that can affect your self-esteem, confidence, relationships, and overall happiness.

There are many possible causes of an inferiority complex. As a child your parents or teachers may have compared you to others and asked: “why can’t you be more like ___? Social pressure, unrealistic expectations, and negative self-talk are also probable causes. However, you can overcome feeling inferior and begin to feel more confident and worthy of the life you want.

We can’t undo what was said to us in the past or avoid living in an environment where we are continually compared to others in multiple ways. When you were a child, you believed that what adults said was true. As an adult you can question the validity of what others say to you and about you. There are actions you can take that will help you manage and overcome an inferiority complex:

1. First, question why someone would make a comment that is insulting, critical, or makes you feel bad in some way? What could their motivation be other than to control you by making you feel “less than.” Question the validity of what you hear from others.
   
2. Soar with your strengths. Instead of focusing on what you lack focus on what you do have and what you can do. Make a list of your strengths and accomplishments and remind yourself of them often, especially when you are feeling “less than.”
   
3. Recognize your unique qualities. Everyone has something special and valuable to offer to the world. Your talents, skills, personality, and choices make you who you are. There is only one you.
   
4. End the negative self-talk. Don’t say things to yourself about yourself that you would never want your children – or someone you love – to say about themselves. The way you talk to yourself can have a big impact on how you feel about yourself and what you think you deserve. Drown out the critic in your head.
   
5. Stop comparing yourself to others. If you constantly compare yourself to others, you will reinforce your feelings of inferiority. Instead of criticizing, judging, or belittling yourself, the moment you have a negative thought, replace it with a positive thought, such as “I am capable”, “I am worthy.” “I am enough”.
   
6. Set realistic goals. Change happens in small steps. Goals can help you grow and improve yourself, and should be challenging, but also attainable and meaningful. If you set goals that are unrealistic, you will only set yourself up for failure and disappointment. If you set goals that are too low or irrelevant, you will not challenge yourself or feel satisfied. Find a balance between what you want and what you can do to move beyond your comfort zone. Celebrate your progress along the way.
   
7. Make time for activities that make you feel good, such as exercise, hobbies, relaxation, volunteering, or socializing. When you neglect your physical, mental, and emotional needs, you will feel more stressed, tired, and unhappy. When you prioritize your well-being, you will feel more energized, balanced, and happy.
   
8. Seek out people who are at a level you want to achieve, to be your mentor and/or coach. Share your dreams and feelings of never being able to achieve those dreams because you believe you are inferior in some way. They can offer you objective feedback, encouragement, and advice. You may also learn that at one time they felt the same way you do now.  
   
9. Realize that we all have moments when we feel “less than.” If you’re constantly comparing yourself to others, you will find that you are inferior or superior in some way.  Someone is likely comparing themselves to you and wishing they had some ability that you take for granted.

These are some of the ways to overcome an inferiority complex and begin to feel more confident. Remember that you are not alone in feeling inadequate, we all have our moments of self-doubt and belief that we are not enough. We all have the critic inside our head. And we can choose not to listen.

There is nothing wrong with you other than the way you see yourself. The truth is that you are a valuable and unique person who deserves respect and happiness. So, start acting like one. The world needs someone just like you.

 Fear of success may not sound like a legitimate concern to some. Why would we work so hard to make our dreams come true and when we are right at the point of succeeding, we do something to sabotage ourselves?

It is not the accomplishment that is scary, it is the fear of what success might ultimately cost you. How will success affect your relationships? Your lifestyle? Will you have to work long hours to maintain the level of success you have achieved? Success can mean more public exposure, greater responsibilities, and more pressure, both from yourself and others.

If you fear success, you may place obstacles in your path that decrease your chances of succeeding. This can range from minor acts of self-sabotage to self-destructive behaviors.

Sabotaging behavior is not always easy to spot, but it is quite common. You see it in relationships, when one person gets uncomfortable with how fast or serious it is progressing, they will often engage in behavior that sabotages the relationship.

Ifyou suspect that you might be afraid of success, you probably are. If you think you have sabotaged yourself, you probably have.

Do any of the symptoms of a fear of success described below feel familiar to you?

1. Imposter Syndrome: You believe you were just lucky. Or you have fooled everyone into believing you are more competent than you are. You believe success will not last because you will eventually fail, fall down the career ladder, and they will realize you aren’t smart after all.
   
2. Fear of change: Success requires you to move out of your comfort zone and make changes that you and your family may be uncomfortable making. You let opportunities pass you by to avoid the disruption.
   
3. Lack of goals: You may be afraid that you will not achieve your goals so why set yourself up for failure or success? By just letting life happen to you, you ensure that you never make any real headway toward success.
   
4. Giving up: You derail success by quitting right before you are about to succeed. This becomes a cycle of quitting and starting over but never moving beyond the level of success that   allows you to stay in your comfort zone.

5.    You tend to blend in:  You have a fear of being in the spotlight, so you keep a low profile, seldom speaking up or expressing your opinions. You feel safe being one among many. If attention makes you uncomfortable, you will not want to open yourself up to criticism or risk embarrassing yourself if you fail.

6. Procrastination: Putting things off until the last possible moment means that you are not doing your best work which can lower the probability of success. You make excuses instead of progress. Excuses are cover-ups for fear, and when you fear success, you usually equally fear failure. Procrastinating and making excuses allow you to avoid success and failure.

7. Guilt: You feel guilty about any success you achieve, no matter how small, because your friends, family, or co-workers haven’t had the same success. You downplay or never talk about your accomplishments because your success might make them feel bad.  

8. Low Self-Esteem: Your self-sabotage your dreams by convincing yourself that you are not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, you are just not enough. You believe that you do not deserve to enjoy success in your life

9. Self–doubt: Even people who appear confident can have doubts. One thing I learned when I moved up the ladder to work with C-level and senior level executives is that people at the top can feel just as inadequate as people at the bottom.

10. Childhood Experiences: If you were told to not talk about your accomplishments because that was bragging, someone criticized your choices and called you uppity for thinking beyond the accomplishments of your family, you believed what they said and stifled your dreams. You are likely to worry about leaving people behind if you move forward. Sometimes we fear success because of the potential social or relationship repercussions.

11. Fear of not living up to expectations: Just like family and/or friends can make you feel guilty for aspiring to achieve too much, they can also place pressure on you to achieve their dreams, live up to their expectations and make you feel guilty when you don’t.

If you can identify with one or more of the symptoms of fear of success described above, you can look back over your life and see a pattern of behavior that created barriers and prevented you from achieving the life you aspire to live.

There was a time in my life when many of the symptoms of a fear of success applied to me. I was able to break the pattern, but it was not easy to do. I had to risk damaging relationships and accept being different from those around me and having aspirations that others did not have.

You can break this pattern too if you really want to. Changing behavior isn’t easy but it’s not impossible. The more you face your fears and analyze them rationally, the more likely you are to weaken your fears and your reluctance to pursue your goals.

Take a realistic look at what will happen if you succeed. Do not look at what you hope will happen, or what you fear will happen. Instead, look at what is likely to happen.

• How will my friends and family react if I accomplish this goal?
• How will my life change?
• What is the worst that could happen if I achieve this goal?
• What is the best thing that could happen?
• Why do I feel that I do not deserve to accomplish this goal?
• How motivated am I to work toward this goal?
• What am I currently doing to sabotage, or hurt, my own efforts?
• How can I stop those self-sabotaging behaviors?

Sometimes people will react negatively to your success, particularly if they have been perceived as being more successful in the past. If you lose those friends, you will make new ones who will not be threatened by your success and will encourage you to pursue your goals.

Stop holding yourself back. You were not given the desire to aspire for more unless you have the skills and talent to make it happen. You live with the consequences of the choices you make. Make the ones that will turn you into the person you were meant to be.

 Fear of success may not sound like a legitimate concern to some. Why would we work so hard to make our dreams come true and when we are right at the point of succeeding, we do something to sabotage ourselves?

It is not the accomplishment that is scary, it is the fear of what success might ultimately cost you. How will success affect your relationships? Your lifestyle? Will you have to work long hours to maintain the level of success you have achieved? Success can mean more public exposure, greater responsibilities, and more pressure, both from yourself and others.

If you fear success, you may place obstacles in your path that decrease your chances of succeeding. This can range from minor acts of self-sabotage to self-destructive behaviors.

Sabotaging behavior is not always easy to spot, but it is quite common. You see it in relationships, when one person gets uncomfortable with how fast or serious it is progressing, they will often engage in behavior that sabotages the relationship.

Ifyou suspect that you might be afraid of success, you probably are. If you think you have sabotaged yourself, you probably have.

Do any of the symptoms of a fear of success described below feel familiar to you?

1. Imposter Syndrome: You believe you were just lucky. Or you have fooled everyone into believing you are more competent than you are. You believe success will not last because you will eventually fail, fall down the career ladder, and they will realize you aren’t smart after all.
   
   
2. Fear of change: Success requires you to move out of your comfort zone and make changes that you and your family may be uncomfortable making. You let opportunities pass you by to avoid the disruption.
   
   
3. Lack of goals: You may be afraid that you will not achieve your goals so why set yourself up for failure or success? By just letting life happen to you, you ensure that you never make any real headway toward success.
   
   
4. Giving up: You derail success by quitting right before you are about to succeed. This becomes a cycle of quitting and starting over but never moving beyond the level of success that   allows you to stay in your comfort zone.
   
   

5.    You tend to blend in:  You have a fear of being in the spotlight, so you keep a low profile, seldom speaking up or expressing your opinions. You feel safe being one among many. If attention makes you uncomfortable, you will not want to open yourself up to criticism or risk embarrassing yourself if you fail.

• Procrastination: Putting things off until the last possible moment means that you are not doing your best work which can lower the probability of success. You make excuses instead of progress. Excuses are cover-ups for fear, and when you fear success, you usually equally fear failure. Procrastinating and making excuses allow you to avoid success and failure.
  
  
• Guilt: You feel guilty about any success you achieve, no matter how small, because your friends, family, or co-workers haven’t had the same success. You downplay or never talk about your accomplishments because your success might make them feel bad.
    
• Low Self-Esteem: Your self-sabotage your dreams by convincing yourself that you are not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, you are just not enough. You believe that you do not deserve to enjoy success in your life
  
  
• Self–doubt: Even people who appear confident can have doubts. One thing I learned when I moved up the ladder to work with C-level and senior level executives is that people at the top can feel just as inadequate as people at the bottom.
  
  
• Childhood Experiences: If you were told to not talk about your accomplishments because that was bragging, someone criticized your choices and called you uppity for thinking beyond the accomplishments of your family, you believed what they said and stifled your dreams. You are likely to worry about leaving people behind if you move forward. Sometimes we fear success because of the potential social or relationship repercussions.
  
  
• Fear of not living up to expectations: Just like family and/or friends can make you feel guilty for aspiring to achieve too much, they can also place pressure on you to achieve their dreams, live up to their expectations and make you feel guilty when you don’t.
  
  

If you can identify with one or more of the symptoms of fear of success described above, you can look back over your life and see a pattern of behavior that created barriers and prevented you from achieving the life you aspire to live.

There was a time in my life when many of the symptoms of a fear of success applied to me. I was able to break the pattern, but it was not easy to do. I had to risk damaging relationships and accept being different from those around me and having aspirations that others did not have.

You can break this pattern too if you really want to. Changing behavior isn’t easy but it’s not impossible. The more you face your fears and analyze them rationally, the more likely you are to weaken your fears and your reluctance to pursue your goals.

Take a realistic look at what will happen if you succeed. Do not look at what you hope will happen, or what you fear will happen. Instead, look at what is likely to happen.

• How will my friends and family react if I accomplish this goal?
• How will my life change?
• What is the worst that could happen if I achieve this goal?
• What is the best thing that could happen?
• Why do I feel that I do not deserve to accomplish this goal?
• How motivated am I to work toward this goal?
• What am I currently doing to sabotage, or hurt, my own efforts?
• How can I stop those self-sabotaging behaviors?
  
  

Sometimes people will react negatively to your success, particularly if they have been perceived as being more successful in the past. If you lose those friends, you will make new ones who will not be threatened by your success and will encourage you to pursue your goals.

Stop holding yourself back. You were not given the desire to aspire for more unless you have the skills and talent to make it happen. You live with the consequences of the choices you make. Make the ones that will turn you into the person you were meant to be.

Dirty Dozen #8

“There is no more miserable human being than one in
whom nothing is habitual but indecision.” – William James

I don’t believe any of us wake up in the morning and say “Today, I’m going to make a really bad decision, one that will end my career, ruin my relationships, and make my life miserable.” Fearing any of those bad outcomes will happen causes us to be indecisive. 

Making decisions, whether in the corporate world or our own personal world, is challenging for many people. It is a skill you can develop that is key to feeling in control of your life instead of living in limbo land filled with self-created uncertainty.  Here are 5 steps you can take to overcome indecisiveness. 

Step1: Prioritize: You may be feeling overwhelmed by the number of decisions you think you have to make. Prioritizing will help you determine which decision must be made now and which can wait. Asking what will happen if you don’t make this decision helps you identify what is and isn’t critical. Often making one decision will eliminate the need for other decisions.

Step 2: Determine Ownership:  If you’re lacking confidence in your ability to make the best decision you will turn an individual decision into a group decision by asking others what they think you should do. How many different answers will you hear? How much more confused will you be, and will you make matters worse by thinking you should follow their advice? There’s nothing wrong with asking for input, just remember that their recommendations are influenced by the way they see the world and the image they have of you based on how you are now, and not on your vision of the person you want to be or the life you want to live.

Step 3: Define Desired Outcome:  Have you really thought through what you want to accomplish by making this decision?  Have you defined what a successful outcome looks like? How will your life to be better, less stressful, more enjoyable? If you haven’t thought through what success looks like you won’t be able to establish criteria to evaluate your options and increase the probability of making the best decision.

Step 4: Assess Your Risk Tolerance:  What are you willing to risk losing?  What’s the worst outcome if this ends up being a bad decision and what can you do to minimize the risk of that happening?  What risks did you take in the past that brought you to where you are today? What did you do to lessen fear and increase courage required to move out of your comfort zone? Don’t let fear of failure stop you.

Step 5: Look Backward to Move Forward: What advice would you give the person you were 10 years ago about decisions you were struggling with then from the perspective you have today?  Now project yourself 10 years into the future.  Will you regret not taking the risk implied in this decision? What advice do you think your future self would give to your current self about the decisions you are struggling to make today?

Someone once told me that the best way to decide is to flip a coin. You assign one choice to heads and another to tails. If the coin comes up heads and your first thought is “I’ll do two out of three,” you’ll know that the choice you assigned to tails is what you really want. You don’t need to determine what you want to do; you already know that. Your challenge is to determine how you will do it.

I can’t completely disagree with this approach. I think we have more clarity about what we want and don’t want than we think we do.  Deciding isn’t the problem. The fear of making the wrong decision is. As long as you’re indecisive, you’re safe. But the reality is that not deciding is actually deciding.

As a child you lived with the consequences of decisions adults made for you. Once you become an adult, you are free to make your own. Have you developed the habit of letting others decide what’s best for you instead of taking responsibility for creating the life you want?

Something to think about.

Dirty Doxen #7

The reason so many people fail to achieve their goals is they give up when they run into obstacles that they had not anticipated or fail to achieve success as quickly as they had hoped. Instead of making a new or modified plan for how they will achieve their goals, they make excuses to justify why they can’t.

Excuses provide cover ups that hide the real reason for failing. It implies that an external factor we can do nothing about is to blame. The real reason may be as simple as “I just don’t want to.” But, if we were able to be honest with ourselves, we wouldn’t need excuses. So, we try to make our excuse the cause of not succeeding.

What differentiates a legitimate reason from an excuse is that when someone provides a reason for why something has or has not happened, a solution is offered. People who make excuses aren’t really looking for a solution. Making excuses can become a habit if nothing changes. If you clog up your life with excuses, you become a person of inaction unable to make decisions. You stay stuck in a life you may have outgrown.

We all make excuses for the things we don’t do, the promises we don’t keep to ourselves or others, the challenges and opportunities we don’t pursue. Our egos try to protect us by placing the blame somewhere else. Your excuses, however, will never do anything to help you achieve your goals, your dreams, or your ambitions. So instead of making excuses, make plans!  Consider the following options:

Make It New Again

When you commit to something new, you are excited by the prospect of pursuing something different. Your excitement propels you out of bed in the morning and motivates you to act on what you want. Over time, as the immediate progress you make becomes the status quo, you find yourself on a plateau. What was once inspiring is now normal. Maybe it’s time to replan.

Acknowledge the progress you made and make that a starting point for an expanded plan that takes you to a level you would not have believed you were capable of achieving when you created the first plan. Dream big once again. 

Develop a New Strategy

You made assumptions about how to reach your goal. You thought you knew your market and the service or product that was in demand and would lead to success. You thought you knew your company and what it takes to move up. Your strategy seemed like a good approach when you developed it. Now you’re beginning to see that your assumptions aren’t matching reality. Do you rethink your strategy, or do you make excuses?

When I started my first business, I was so convinced I understood my market, what their needs were and how to reach them. I quickly found out that I was wrong. I knew my market but my assumptions about what service or product they would spend their money on were incorrect. No one wants to admit they were wrong, least of all me, but I had to decide if I wanted to spend my time making excuses or developing a new strategy based on reality and what I had learned did not work. I chose the new strategy, and it worked.

You know so much more now than you did when you launched your plan. Successful people often talk about adjustments they made that led to their success. Maybe it’s time for a new strategy that incorporates newly gained experience and knowledge of what doesn’t work.

Be More: Become the Person that Comes After the Person you are Now

Often, the idea that inspires you requires you to “be more” before you can “do more” or “have more”. In the pursuit of your goal, you are going to have to become the kind of person who is capable of reaching that goal. The greater the goal, the more it will require that you grow.

Fake it until you make it is not bad advice, but it can be exhausting. Your image of yourself may not be at the level of someone who is living the kind of life you want.  You project an image to the world that reflects how you see yourself and affects how others will see you. Instead of using an excuse for struggling to achieve your goal, develop the skills and act the part of someone who belongs at that level. Your confidence will increase and you won’t have to fake anything.

Revise Your Timeline

You may need an in-between plan with a revised timeline before you can accomplish all of your original plan. We grow impatient when it takes longer to reach our goal than we thought it would.

An in-between plan may provide you with a “win” that motivates you to keep going plus gives you an opportunity to think about what it will take to achieve your goal in the next phase. What knowledge and contacts do you need that you don’t have now?

The time it takes to reach your goal isn’t always within your control, no matter how much you try to bend the curve in your direction. It never makes sense to use the excuse that a goal is taking too long because the time is going to pass anyway. It makes more sense to adjust your timeline than give up.

Seek New Counsel:

There may come a time when you need help. You may need someone with different or more experience to provide you with another view, another idea, another approach, or additional insights. You may need new counsel.

 Many of us believe that we must be the rugged individualist, refusing to ask for—or accept—help from others. Throughout human history, the wisest of all people have sought the counsel of others who offered a perspective or advice that would allow them to succeed. Seeking advice is always a better decision than making excuses to attempt to justify why you are unable to move forward.  

Do I Really Want This?

Sometimes you need to just stop and honestly ask yourself why you wanted to do this in the first place? Was it your idea or an idea imposed by someone who thought that knew what you “should” be doing.

There are not too many character traits that will serve you better than persistence. But persisting while being miserable and hating each step you take will only give you ulcers. If you’re on a path to achieving what you don’t want, stop! Instead of making excuses about why your plan isn’t working, admit that what you’ve learned from what you’ve experienced so far is that this just isn’t the path for you.

There are other paths you can take that are better suited to who you are and how to live your life. Give yourself credit for starting down a path and being strong enough and wise enough to not invest more time and energy in something you don’t want.

Make Plans Not Excuses

The path to success is rarely a straight line. Instead, it is likely to be marked by fits and starts. The first try is essential, but the second attempt, and all that follows, are every bit as necessary. It is impossible to succeed if you accept failure as final and absolve yourself of responsibility to try again by making excuses instead of making plans.  

You could be one change away from success, or perhaps success is going to require several modifications and more effort than you imagined. Excuses, instead of an honest appraisal of your situation, will never bring you success or provide satisfaction that the eventual attainment of your goal will.

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Dirty Dozen Belief No. 6

We risk rejection when we put ourselves out there and say: “this is who I am, this is what I believe, and this is what I’m capable of achieving.”

Rejection doesn’t feel good. But fearing rejection prevents you from taking risks and reaching larger goals. It hurts when you don’t get the job offer, you lose the job you have, your marriage doesn’t last, you don’t get the second date, you don’t get enough “likes” for a social media post, or you’re ostracized by friends, families, and communities for your lifestyle choices. We all experience rejection over things both big and small at least a few times in our life. It never feels good when something doesn’t happen the way you wanted it to. Rejection can also involve other uncomfortable emotions, such as embarrassment and awkwardness.

Why wouldn’t we develop a fear of rejection? Who wants to experience that pain or humiliation again? You can remind yourself that rejection is just a normal part of life and something you and everyone will face at some point, but telling yourself that you don’t hurt when you really do denies you the opportunity to confront and manage the pain of rejection productively before it becomes a fear that limits your life. Before you can begin addressing your feelings around rejection, it’s important to acknowledge them.

The greatest damage rejection causes are usually self-inflicted. Just when our self-esteem is hurting most because we have been rejected, we go and damage it even further. We take the pain we experience the moment the rejection happens, and play it over and over in our mind, thanks to the instant replay capability our brain provides.  We want to know why? Often, we don’t know the answer, so we make it up. Not only do we suffer in the moment, but we also continue to suffer for as long as our brain focuses on that experience.  It’s a gift that keeps on giving.

Another common mistake we make is to assume a rejection is personal when it’s not. Losing your job as part of a corporate RIF often has nothing to do with your capabilities. It’s about cutting costs and increasing shareholder wealth. To let the company’s financial decision, affect your decision about your future career opportunities and what you’re capable of achieving would be a mistake. They’ve created an opportunity to think about what’s important to you now, both professionally and personally. 

Most romantic rejections are a matter of incompatible lifestyles or wanting different things at different times. Blaming ourselves and attacking our self-worth only deepens the emotional pain we feel and makes it harder for us to recover emotionally. We can look back on past relationships that didn’t work out and be thankful for the rejection that opened the door to finding a much healthier relationship.

Tempting as it might be to list all your faults in the aftermath of a rejection and chastise yourself for what you did “wrong” — don’t. Going through an exhaustive search of your own deficiencies to understand why it didn’t “work out” is not only unnecessary but inaccurate and misleading. Review what happened and consider what you could do differently in the future but there is absolutely no good reason to be punitive and self-critical while doing so.

The good news is there are better and healthier ways to respond to rejection, things we can do to curb unhealthy responses, soothe our emotional pain, and rebuild our self-esteem. Here are just some of them:

1. Accept it: Yes, you were rejected.  Who hasn’t experienced rejection?  And haven’t you been in the position of rejecting someone?  Rejection happens to everyone. It’s what you experience on your way to success.
   
2. Validate your feelings: Other people might see what happened as no big deal and encourage you to get over it. They don’t feel what you feel.
   
3. Look for the learning opportunities: It may not seem like it right away, but rejection can provide opportunities for self-discovery and growth. Reframing your fear as a chance for growth can make it easier to try for what you want and lessen the pain if you fail. Try telling yourself, “This may not work out, but if it doesn’t, I’ll have a meaningful experience and know more than I did.  I’m confident there will be other opportunities.
   
4. Remind yourself of your worth: Rejection can be particularly frightening when you read too much into it. You won’t move forward if you keep blaming yourself as the answer to the question: “why?” It’s not all your fault.
   
5. Keep things in perspective: Your fear of rejection can cause you to catastrophize about all the bad things that might happen and imagine worst-case scenarios when you interview for another job or go out on a date. Just keep in mind that you survived this rejection, and you’ll survive and learn from other rejections on your way to success.
   
6. Face your fear: If you don’t put yourself out there you won’t experience rejection. But you probably won’t achieve your goals either.  Going for what you want gives you the opportunity to experience success. Rejection doesn’t feel good but neither does setting home predicting a future of doom and gloom.  
   
7. Reject negative self-talk: It’s easy to fall into a pattern of self-criticism after experiencing rejection. This just reinforces your belief that the rejection was your fault when it may have had nothing to do with you at all.
   
8. Lean on your support network: Spending time with people who care about you reinforces your knowledge that you are wanted.  Knowing that you have people in your life who will love you no matter what, can make the possibility of rejection less scary

The bottom line

As social animals, we need to feel wanted and valued by others. Rejection destabilizes our need to belong, leaving us feeling unsettled and socially untethered. We need to remind ourselves that we’re appreciated and loved so we can feel more connected and grounded. Rejection can sting and make you doubt yourself. But fearing it will limit you and prevent you from experiencing much of what life has to offer. Choosing to look at rejection as an opportunity for growth instead of the end of the world can help you feel less afraid of the possibility. As Hellen Keller said: “When one door closes another one opens.  Often, we look so long at the one that’s closed we fail to see the one that’s opened