Values = Beliefs = Choices = Behavior = Outcome
Your life is a reflection of values and beliefs that influenced the choices you saw, decisions you made, and created the life you have today. When you understand the link between the beliefs and behaviors that shaped your life, you can begin to question if those beliefs are still valid, and will they enable the changes you desire in your personal and/or professional life. They led you to where you are today, but will they take you to where you want to be in the future?
The saying “Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results” has almost become a cliché, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true. If you want a different outcome you have to engage in different behavior. This is challenging because behaviors become habits and automatic reactions that are supported by beliefs that may no longer be relevant. Change is difficult to make and sustain because it requires replacing both beliefs and behaviors that are barriers with new ones that facilitate realization of the life you want. Not doing this leads to a pattern of setting goals and New Year’s Resolutions but not achieving them.
The need for approval is the limiting belief I hear most often from clients who aren’t successfully making the changes they say they want. When your first thought is “what will they think if I do this”, you’re giving someone the power to control your future. You’re saying that they know better than you do what’s best for you and if they disapprove of the change you want to make you must be making the wrong choice that will result in the wrong decision.
When you fail to make the choice that you believed was a better choice for you because someone disapproves, you live the life they want you to live. You choose their approval over your happiness. You end up unhappy and wonder why?
When you turn an individual decision into a group decision by seeking approval for the changes you want to make, you’re asking permission from someone who likely doesn’t have the same goals you do. They won’t live with the feeling of being stuck in a life they’re outgrown that you will.
It’s not difficult to understand why the fear of disapproval is so prevalent. As a child, you didn’t question what someone else said you could not – or should not – do. You accepted what they said as truth because they were older and wiser. Approval from parents, teachers, and fitting in with your peer group felt good. Doing what they wanted you to do was rewarded while doing what you wanted to do was punished and being different from your peers could lead to being ostracized.
Seeking approval becomes a habit that’s hard to break. As adults we have the power to make decisions about our life, even if others disapprove or we’re ostracized by our peer group. Disapproval doesn’t feel good if we believe the negative feedback and criticism we may hear from others when we share our goals.
Who wants to hear “you’re too old to do that,” when we say we want to change careers; “what if you lose all your money,” if you share that you’re thinking about starting your own business; “are you crazy, you’ll never find another partner better than the one you have now, when you say you’re thinking about ending your relationship; “do you know how expensive tuition is these days,” if you’re wanting to go back to school; or the overall guilt inducing one, “why can’t you be happy with the way things are, you’re so blessed.”
As an adult you can still be ostracized by your peer group who may be threatened by the changes you’re making. Losing weight requires you to change your diet. If your social life centers around food and wine – too much food and wine – sustaining the behavior that results in losing weight may affect your relationships. Successfully making any type of change that requires you to move out of your comfort zone may threaten your existing relationships and require new relationships with people who are already – or on their way to – living the life you want to live.
You can question – and should question – the opinions of others that can become a barrier to making changes you want to make, especially when they make you feel worse instead of better about yourself. Unfortunately, the world we live in tends to focus more on limits than on possibilities. We often believe the criticisms and negativity we hear from others when it’s really their insecurities being expressed as their opinions.
You have to ask yourself why their approval is so important to you, why you think you need permission, and what bad thing you fear will happen if they disapprove and you move forward with the changes you want to make anyway.
I’ve faced disapproval from friends and family when I’ve made significant life choices that they didn’t understand. What I’ve learned is that most people will express their opinion without you asking what they think, those who disapprove will get over it and eventually say “I always knew you could do it,” and life works much better when you make choices that you believe are best for you.
The table below illustrates desired beliefs and behaviors that replace the limiting beliefs and behaviors that have become a barrier for you. My clients have found that following the “A,B,C” process is effective in reexamining and replacing limiting beliefs and behaviors with ones that support personal growth.
A = Awareness of situations where you feel the need for approval and the people you seek approval from. Who is your “they” when the thought of “what will they say” pops into your head.
B= Belief about the consequences of disapproval. What is the fear of disapproval based on? Is this a valid fear?
B = Behavior that doesn’t support you in achieving your goal that you can recognize, stop in the moment, and replace with behavior that does.
C = Choice you make to consistently follow the ABC process described above, question the criticism you hear from others rather than accepting it as fact, and to spend more time with people who support your goals and less with people who don’t.
Following the ABC process will feel uncomfortable in the beginning, but if you’re consistent it will eventually feel natural. Your level of confidence and quality of relationships will increase as you take charge of creating the life you want.
| Limiting Beliefs & Behaviors | Desired Beliefs & Behaviors | |
| Belief | I must have approval. | Approval is nice but not necessary. |
| Thinking | What will they think? Everyone must like me. If others disapprove of what I want to do it means I’m making a mistake. | They will think whatever they think and that’s ok. Some people may not like me and that’s ok. Do I like everyone? If others disapprove of what I want to do it doesn’t mean I’m making a mistake. |
| Attitude | Accommodating Indecisive | Confident Decisive. |
| Behavior | I only do what someone tells me I should do or can do. I turn an individual decision into a group decision. | I take responsibility for making decisions that are best for me. |
| Outcome | I am living someone else’s life and wondering why I’m not happy | I am living the life that’s the best life for me and I’m building relationships with people who support me. |
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