Category: Lessons Learned About Life

Am I Letting Go or Am I Giving Up

As we grow older, reflection becomes inevitable. We may begin to ask ourselves: Have I done enough? Is there more I should be striving for, or is it time to be content? Have I climbed all the mountains I was meant to climb, or should I still be chasing new summits?

Lately, I’ve found myself confronting a vision I once had for this phase of life — a vision that may no longer be realistic. Accepting that is difficult for someone like me, whose philosophy has always been that many things in life are difficult, but few are impossible. I’ve always believed that with enough determination, any goal could be achieved. When something starts to feel out of reach, letting go can feel like I’m giving up.

But is that really the case?

We’ve all seen people in leadership roles hold on long past their time. Staying too long can diminish the impact of their legacy. Letting go, in these cases, could have been a wiser and more dignified decision.

And it’s not just about careers. How many of us have held on to relationships, roles, or dreams long after they stopped serving us? Sometimes, we persist in situations that are clearly no longer working because walking away feels like failure.

We often create a vision of how life should be. But life has a way of shifting — through unexpected challenges, changing priorities, or simply time. When that vision no longer aligns with our reality, we face a difficult choice: Do we keep striving toward what might no longer be possible, or do we accept a new version of life?

Is acceptance the same as surrender? Is letting go a sign of wisdom — or a sign of giving up?

Understanding the difference between the two is key. Here’s how I’ve come to define them:

  • Letting Go is a conscious, intentional decision made after reflection and clarity. It’s about releasing attachments, beliefs, or situations that no longer serve your well-being, to make space for new possibilities. It can bring peace, relief, and a renewed sense of purpose.
  • Giving Up is often reactive. It’s driven by discouragement, fear, self-doubt, or external pressure. It involves abandoning effort and can leave us feeling powerless or regretful, reinforcing a sense of failure.

The difference lies in the motivation behind the choice — and the impact it has on your well-being.

Ask yourself:

  • Does holding on bring you hope, joy, and inspiration?
  • Or does it feel heavy, frustrating, and burdensome?
  • Are you driven by passion — or by fear?

Letting go isn’t weakness. It isn’t quitting. It’s choosing to stop pouring your energy into what no longer brings you joy. It’s choosing peace over struggle, clarity over confusion. Most importantly, it’s choosing to trust that releasing something doesn’t mean you’re left with nothing — it just means you’re making room for something new.

The process of accepting life as it is — rather than as you once imagined it — does not mean you’ve been defeated. Acceptance allows us to find gratitude for what we do have instead of despair over what we’ve lost or were never able to achieve.

Ultimately, whether you decide to let go or to hold on, do it with intention. Understand why you’re making the choice. Evaluate the cost to your mental, emotional, and physical health. And be honest about what you’re fighting for — or what you’re fighting against.

Every decision we make shapes our future. So, choose with clarity. Choose with courage. And above all, choose what honors your growth

The Love of a Pet: A Valentine’s Day Tribute to Our Furry Companions

While Valentine’s Day is often associated with romantic love, there’s another kind of love that deserves celebrating—one that is loyal, pure, and unwavering: the love between humans and their pets.

Whether it’s a devoted dog’s wagging tail or a contented cat’s gentle purr, pets offer us companionship, joy, and an unconditional bond that enriches our lives every day. Pets are more than just animals; they are family, friends, and our most loyal confidants. 

Two years ago, in a moment of insanity and a feeling that it was now or never, my husband and I decided to get a dog. Our reasoning, based on denial, was that if we didn’t get one now, we would be too old to take care of one. What we soon learned, however, was that we were already too old.

We fell in love with a six-week-old golden retriever we named Jackie and took her home to live with us. We soon found ourselves wondering how such a tiny bundle of joy could create such delightful chaos.

My standards for a clean house fell quickly. Shredded puppy pads became part of the décor, and protecting our socks and shoes became our new way of life.

We learned to identify people in our neighborhood who were “dog people” and to avoid those who weren’t. The Dog Park became our social life, and Jackie soon became its queen. Before running off to play with the dogs, she would greet each dog’s parents with friendliness, which always resulted in a belly rub or pat on the head. Our challenge was chasing Jackie around the park when we were ready to go home because she was never ready.

I began reading about dogs’ developmental stages, so I would know what to expect next and be reassured that our current stage wouldn’t last forever. 

We attended puppy training classes that Jackie thought were play time but made us feel like failures as parents. In her first four-week training class, she barked from the beginning to the end of every session while the other dogs sat quietly beside their parents. I’m sure the teacher gave her a passing grade to get rid of her.

We’ve survived 25 months with Jackie, and oh, the joy she has brought us. We can be gone for 30 minutes, and she will greet us as if we have been gone for 30 days. She always gives us something to laugh about, and her love is unconditional. She sits between us on the sofa at night while we’re watching TV and alternates whose face she will lick next.  Woe to you if you sneeze in her presence. All seventy pounds of her will be in your lap with her nose in your face, ensuring you’re ok.

One of the most remarkable aspects of the human-pet relationship is the unwavering loyalty and affection it provides. Unlike human relationships, which can be complex and sometimes unpredictable, pets love without judgment or condition. They are always there to greet us after a long day, comfort us when we’re feeling down, and celebrate with us in our happiest moments.

Beyond the emotional joy pets bring, they also contribute significantly to our well-being. Studies have shown that pet ownership can reduce stress, lower blood pressure, and even improve heart health. Petting an animal releases oxytocin, a hormone associated with bonding and happiness, while also decreasing levels of cortisol, the stress hormone.

For those who suffer from anxiety or depression, pets provide a sense of purpose and routine. They encourage physical activity—whether it’s taking a dog for a walk or playing with a cat—which can boost mental health. Their presence can alleviate feelings of loneliness, providing comfort and companionship in times of need.

To experience the love of a pet, you must also be prepared to accept its loss. I’m told that the pain of losing a pet softens over time, leaving behind a bittersweet reminder of the joy they brought. The loss of my 20-year-old cat, Jasmine, is too recent for me to know for sure.

I adopted Jasmine when she was just a few months old. She was an adventuresome cat I often rescued from the trees beside my balcony. We frequently flew coast to coast together when my consulting business required me to live in other locations for a year or so. Taking an adventuresome cat through airport security is not easy. No matter where I was and what was happening in my life, Jasmine was always there with me. I miss her every day.

Though our pet may no longer be physically by our side, the love we shared endures. Memories of their playfulness and loving companionship are engraved in our hearts as a testament to an unbreakable connection that forever enriches our souls.  

Valentine’s Day is about expressing love; our pets do this every day without words. Their loyalty, companionship, and affection remind us of the beauty of simple, unconditional love. This Valentine’s Day, let’s cherish the love our pets give us so freely—because, in their eyes, every day is a celebration of love.

Let them know how much they mean to you, whether it’s an extra treat, a longer walk, or quiet cuddle time. And if you don’t have a pet, consider rescuing one—somewhere, a pet waiting for you who needs your love, and maybe you need theirs. 

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The Dirty Dozen: 12 Reasons Why New Year’s Resolutions Don’t Work

“Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self-assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle.” – Eric Zorm

A new year symbolically marks a new beginning and creates an opportunity to let go of outdated beliefs and unhealthy behaviors that don’t support being the person we want to be and living the life we aspire to live. We make resolutions that represent our desire for positive change, a belief in our ability to make the changes required to achieve our goals, and a promise  to ourselves to make the new year a better one.

Excited and energized, we start out believing that this year will be different than the last when our resolutions went by the wayside but once again, come February or even earlier, many of us break the promise we made to ourselves to improve and abandon our goals altogether. 

Seeing this pattern of setting goals but not achieving goals repeated with many of my clients, I began listening for consistent themes and behaviors among the clients who weren’t successful in achieving their goals. What I learned and has been reinforced over my 35 years of coaching clients is that it isn’t a lack of resources or will power that prevents us from achieving what we desire, it is the inability to adopt new behaviors needed to achieve and sustain our goal.

Behaviors become habits that are challenging to change because they are supported by beliefs, we hold about ourselves and our abilities, which become barriers to success. Beliefs are powerful. You only allow yourself to be and achieve what you believe is ok for you. The beliefs I heard repeatedly expressed by my clients who consistently failed to achieve their goals were often preceded by “I must, or I should” and fell into one or more of 12 categories that I named “The Dirty Dozen.”  

Over the next 12 months I’ll be posting an article each month on my website about one of these limiting beliefs, and how to prevent it from becoming a barrier to realizing the personal and professional success you desire. In the meantime, think about a change you would like to achieve this year and ask yourself the following questions:

  1. What would a person believe and how would a person behave who has accomplished what I aspire to achieve?
  2. What behaviors will I need to change to achieve my goal?
  3. What beliefs support those behaviors and could become a barrier to success?

THE DIRTY DOZEN

Beliefs that become barriers to experiencing a more rewarding life.

  1. I must have approval
  2. I must be perfect
  3. I must not fail
  4. I should have faith. If it is supposed to happen it will happen.
  5. I shouldn’t be more successful than my friends and family because my success will make them feel bad.
  6. I should help others succeed. I’m being selfish focusing on myself.
  7. People who succeed are just lucky.
  8. People who succeed are lonely and unhappy.
  9. I’m too old to make the changes I would have to make. It would be too disruptive.
  10. I should be realistic. What I want to do is just too risky.
  11. I must be in control. I will face too many unknowns if I make any changes.
  12. I’m inferior. I’m not smart enough. I’m not strong enough. I’m not brave enough. I’m just not enough.

Soaring With Your Strengths: Sometimes Even Eagles Need a Push!

One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.

Helen Keller

I’ve read many versions of the fable about an eagle who thought he was a chicken and have been unable to find the original source.  Dr. Eldon Taylor, author of “Choices and Illusions,” Has an inspiring U-Tube video about the fable that can serve as a “pick-me-up” if you’re having a day when you don’t feel capable of soaring.

I love this story because I believe it illustrates how our life is either limited or expanded by both our day-to-day environment and the limiting beliefs we hold about who we are capable of becoming.

The fable also shows how one individual, who sees the potential we cannot see for ourselves, can provide the push we need to become what we’ve always been capable of being.

I included the story in my book: “Defining Moments: Seizing the Power of Second Chances to Create the Life You Desire,” and am sharing below in hopes that it will provide the “lift” you may need to soar.

Continue reading “Soaring With Your Strengths: Sometimes Even Eagles Need a Push!”

Wake Up Rip Van Winkle

There are moments when I feel like Rip Van Winkle waking up from a long winter’s nap and questioning if COVID really happened or was it only a bad dream?

How could something come along so quickly that threatened our lives and livelihood, caused us to question if we would ever feel safe again, force us to make changes we didn’t choose, and then appear to leave us just as quickly?

Is it true that one minute I was on a cruise ship sailing around Australia, and the next I was scrambling to jump on the last flight out as Australia completely closed down and praying to get home before all US flights were grounded?

Did my husband and I really not go out of our house for months only to contact COVID from our four-year-old granddaughter and survive, when so many our age didn’t?

Continue reading “Wake Up Rip Van Winkle”

Changing The Way, You Think About You: How to Rethink Your Way To A Happier Life

by Rita Burgett-Martell

Here’s a quiz to help you identify behaviors that may be undermining your self-confidence and preventing you from living the life you desire. Respond with a simple “yes” or “no” answer to each statement and then tally up the number of yeses.  

1.       I often compare myself to others.

2.       I make decisions based on what others tell me I should do.

3.       I would have to honestly say I sometimes take my family for granted.

4.       I find myself thinking more about the past or worrying more about the future instead of focusing on what’s happening in the present moment.

5.       I often give up on my goals when things aren’t going my way.

6.       I believe that if I do something less than perfectly, I’ve failed.

7.       I play it safe. Taking risks is not for me.

8.       I sometimes believe I will never fall in love, and if I do it won’t last.

9.       I used to dream about the life I wanted, but not anymore. Dreams are a waste of time.

10.   I’m always rushing to get things done and seldom have time to “smell the roses.”

Did you respond with “yes – that describes me” – to more than 2 or 3?   It’s ok if you did because there’s no pass or fail.  The purpose of the quiz is to increase your awareness of thoughts and behaviors you can change that will make a positive difference in how you see yourself and react to those around you. 

The quiz is based on one of my favorite poems by Nancye Sims called “A Creed to Live By.” I’m including it below, followed by a modified version that exams each statement and thoughts triggered for me that changed my thinking and put me on the path to experience a more fulfilling life.  I hope they will help you as well.

Continue reading “Changing The Way, You Think About You: How to Rethink Your Way To A Happier Life”

Second Chances

by Rita Burgett-Martell

“It’s never too late to become what you might have been.”

George Eliot

When Joe’s manager began the conversation by saying: “I want you to know how grateful we are for your twenty years of valuable service to our company,” Joe expected to hear that he was being promoted, or at least receiving a pay increase. After all, his performance reviews had never been less than stellar.it came as a shock when what he heard next was: “our company is moving in a new direction and unfortunately your skills aren’t the skills we need. We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.”

It was a defining moment when Joe realized that doing a good job no longer guarantees that you’ll keep your job.

Continue reading “Second Chances”

How To Be A Leader People Want To Follow

by Rita Burgett-Martell

“The days of Command and Control are over. Today’s leaders must Trust and Inspire their employees to be trusted as leaders.”

I was a shy sixteen years old, afraid of my own shadow, the summer I worked as a Nurse’s Aide at our local hospital. The Director of Nursing was a strong loud woman that I found very intimidating. Whenever I saw her coming I would turn and go the other direction, or look for someplace to hide.

One day she stopped beside me, put her arm around my shoulder, and said: “I want you to look at my shoes.”

I immediately thought there must be something wrong with my shoes. They were the wrong kind. They weren’t as white as hers. They weren’t laced up correctly. I was literally “shaking in my shoes,” expecting to be criticized or reprimanded. Instead, her words taught me a valuable lesson in leadership that has served me well in my career.

Continue reading “How To Be A Leader People Want To Follow”

How To Feel Secure In Insecure Times

by Rita Burgett-Martell

How well are you managing change and disruption caused by COVID-19? Listen to my interview on “The Evolutionary Power of Change and Disruption” with Gwilda Wiyaka, host of Mission Evolution Radio, and learn what you can do to feel secure in insecure times.

It’s 4 a.m. and you are wide awake, worrying about all the bad things that could happen, feeling anxious, and unable to sleep. The fear you are feeling is self-imposed instead of a reaction to what is actually happening because at the present moment you are safe. There is nothing to be afraid of other than the imaginary reality that you have allowed the power of fear to create in your mind.

Sleeping at 4 a.m. is not easy when you are living in the misery of uncertainty, as many of us are with all that is happening in our external world plus our internal imagination-induced fears, We do not like the feeling of being out of control of our life and we do not like being in a position not knowing what’s going to happen next. We need to fill in the blanks. When you are awake at 4 a.m., you probably are not imagining a happy future and will likely fill in the blanks with what you fear will happen instead of what you desire to happen. You easily become trapped in a fear-driven thought cycle instead of a faith-driven cycle focused on pleasurable possibilities.

In 2020 we are faced with very real threats to our health and financial security that many of us have never experienced and never thought we would. This has been a rapid unexpected and unwanted change that we must deal with. Fear prevents us from thinking clearly about what we can do to minimize the threat to our wellbeing. It renders us helpless and blinds our vision to what we can do to stay healthy and keep the money flowing to keep a roof over our head and food on the table.

Although we do not like being in an undefined place between the past and the future, that is where we live.  It is called the present moment.  And, as you know, it is all you ever really control. If you once thought you had created a secure, controllable, and predictable life for yourself, you may be realizing that this was an illusion. There is much that is beyond our control and nothing stays the same forever.

Continue reading “How To Feel Secure In Insecure Times”

Everything I Know About Change I Learned From My Cats

When one door closes another one opens. Often we look so long at the one that’s closed we fail to see the one that’s opened.

Helen Keller

A few years ago, I started a new project that required me to live on the East Coast. My two cats, Jasmine and Ginger, and I flew cross-country to our temporary home. They were eager to escape from their cat carriers after our long flight. Following the advice of my vet, to introduce them to their new home one room at a time, I confined them initially to the bathroom and bedroom.

I closed the door to the living room and let each cat out of her carrier. Ginger immediately ran under the bed and didn’t venture out until the next day. Jasmine headed for the closed door, eager to discover what was on the other side. She wouldn’t take no for an answer so I opened the door to let her roam. She hesitantly placed one paw on the shiny wood floor to make sure it was safe and then took off and spent the next few hours exploring her new home, while Ginger continued to hide under the bed. They both experienced the same change but responded in different ways.

The thought struck me that cats have the same reaction to change as people. Some, like Jasmine, see change as an adventure and choose to explore the new world on the other side of the door. Others, like Ginger, prefer to hide under the bed and avoid experiencing anything different until forced to.

It’s not the change that makes the difference. It’s what we think about the change. It’s the internal battle between the fear of the unknown vs. the expectation that change will open the door to something better.

Continue reading “Everything I Know About Change I Learned From My Cats”