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 Fear of success may not sound like a legitimate concern to some. Why would we work so hard to make our dreams come true and when we are right at the point of succeeding, we do something to sabotage ourselves?

It is not the accomplishment that is scary, it is the fear of what success might ultimately cost you. How will success affect your relationships? Your lifestyle? Will you have to work long hours to maintain the level of success you have achieved? Success can mean more public exposure, greater responsibilities, and more pressure, both from yourself and others.

If you fear success, you may place obstacles in your path that decrease your chances of succeeding. This can range from minor acts of self-sabotage to self-destructive behaviors.

Sabotaging behavior is not always easy to spot, but it is quite common. You see it in relationships, when one person gets uncomfortable with how fast or serious it is progressing, they will often engage in behavior that sabotages the relationship.

Ifyou suspect that you might be afraid of success, you probably are. If you think you have sabotaged yourself, you probably have.

Do any of the symptoms of a fear of success described below feel familiar to you?

1. Imposter Syndrome: You believe you were just lucky. Or you have fooled everyone into believing you are more competent than you are. You believe success will not last because you will eventually fail, fall down the career ladder, and they will realize you aren’t smart after all.
   
   
2. Fear of change: Success requires you to move out of your comfort zone and make changes that you and your family may be uncomfortable making. You let opportunities pass you by to avoid the disruption.
   
   
3. Lack of goals: You may be afraid that you will not achieve your goals so why set yourself up for failure or success? By just letting life happen to you, you ensure that you never make any real headway toward success.
   
   
4. Giving up: You derail success by quitting right before you are about to succeed. This becomes a cycle of quitting and starting over but never moving beyond the level of success that   allows you to stay in your comfort zone.
   
   

5.    You tend to blend in:  You have a fear of being in the spotlight, so you keep a low profile, seldom speaking up or expressing your opinions. You feel safe being one among many. If attention makes you uncomfortable, you will not want to open yourself up to criticism or risk embarrassing yourself if you fail.

• Procrastination: Putting things off until the last possible moment means that you are not doing your best work which can lower the probability of success. You make excuses instead of progress. Excuses are cover-ups for fear, and when you fear success, you usually equally fear failure. Procrastinating and making excuses allow you to avoid success and failure.
  
  
• Guilt: You feel guilty about any success you achieve, no matter how small, because your friends, family, or co-workers haven’t had the same success. You downplay or never talk about your accomplishments because your success might make them feel bad.
    
• Low Self-Esteem: Your self-sabotage your dreams by convincing yourself that you are not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, you are just not enough. You believe that you do not deserve to enjoy success in your life
  
  
• Self–doubt: Even people who appear confident can have doubts. One thing I learned when I moved up the ladder to work with C-level and senior level executives is that people at the top can feel just as inadequate as people at the bottom.
  
  
• Childhood Experiences: If you were told to not talk about your accomplishments because that was bragging, someone criticized your choices and called you uppity for thinking beyond the accomplishments of your family, you believed what they said and stifled your dreams. You are likely to worry about leaving people behind if you move forward. Sometimes we fear success because of the potential social or relationship repercussions.
  
  
• Fear of not living up to expectations: Just like family and/or friends can make you feel guilty for aspiring to achieve too much, they can also place pressure on you to achieve their dreams, live up to their expectations and make you feel guilty when you don’t.
  
  

If you can identify with one or more of the symptoms of fear of success described above, you can look back over your life and see a pattern of behavior that created barriers and prevented you from achieving the life you aspire to live.

There was a time in my life when many of the symptoms of a fear of success applied to me. I was able to break the pattern, but it was not easy to do. I had to risk damaging relationships and accept being different from those around me and having aspirations that others did not have.

You can break this pattern too if you really want to. Changing behavior isn’t easy but it’s not impossible. The more you face your fears and analyze them rationally, the more likely you are to weaken your fears and your reluctance to pursue your goals.

Take a realistic look at what will happen if you succeed. Do not look at what you hope will happen, or what you fear will happen. Instead, look at what is likely to happen.

• How will my friends and family react if I accomplish this goal?
• How will my life change?
• What is the worst that could happen if I achieve this goal?
• What is the best thing that could happen?
• Why do I feel that I do not deserve to accomplish this goal?
• How motivated am I to work toward this goal?
• What am I currently doing to sabotage, or hurt, my own efforts?
• How can I stop those self-sabotaging behaviors?
  
  

Sometimes people will react negatively to your success, particularly if they have been perceived as being more successful in the past. If you lose those friends, you will make new ones who will not be threatened by your success and will encourage you to pursue your goals.

Stop holding yourself back. You were not given the desire to aspire for more unless you have the skills and talent to make it happen. You live with the consequences of the choices you make. Make the ones that will turn you into the person you were meant to be.

Dirty Dozen #8

“There is no more miserable human being than one in
whom nothing is habitual but indecision.” – William James

I don’t believe any of us wake up in the morning and say “Today, I’m going to make a really bad decision, one that will end my career, ruin my relationships, and make my life miserable.” Fearing any of those bad outcomes will happen causes us to be indecisive. 

Making decisions, whether in the corporate world or our own personal world, is challenging for many people. It is a skill you can develop that is key to feeling in control of your life instead of living in limbo land filled with self-created uncertainty.  Here are 5 steps you can take to overcome indecisiveness. 

Step1: Prioritize: You may be feeling overwhelmed by the number of decisions you think you have to make. Prioritizing will help you determine which decision must be made now and which can wait. Asking what will happen if you don’t make this decision helps you identify what is and isn’t critical. Often making one decision will eliminate the need for other decisions.

Step 2: Determine Ownership:  If you’re lacking confidence in your ability to make the best decision you will turn an individual decision into a group decision by asking others what they think you should do. How many different answers will you hear? How much more confused will you be, and will you make matters worse by thinking you should follow their advice? There’s nothing wrong with asking for input, just remember that their recommendations are influenced by the way they see the world and the image they have of you based on how you are now, and not on your vision of the person you want to be or the life you want to live.

Step 3: Define Desired Outcome:  Have you really thought through what you want to accomplish by making this decision?  Have you defined what a successful outcome looks like? How will your life to be better, less stressful, more enjoyable? If you haven’t thought through what success looks like you won’t be able to establish criteria to evaluate your options and increase the probability of making the best decision.

Step 4: Assess Your Risk Tolerance:  What are you willing to risk losing?  What’s the worst outcome if this ends up being a bad decision and what can you do to minimize the risk of that happening?  What risks did you take in the past that brought you to where you are today? What did you do to lessen fear and increase courage required to move out of your comfort zone? Don’t let fear of failure stop you.

Step 5: Look Backward to Move Forward: What advice would you give the person you were 10 years ago about decisions you were struggling with then from the perspective you have today?  Now project yourself 10 years into the future.  Will you regret not taking the risk implied in this decision? What advice do you think your future self would give to your current self about the decisions you are struggling to make today?

Someone once told me that the best way to decide is to flip a coin. You assign one choice to heads and another to tails. If the coin comes up heads and your first thought is “I’ll do two out of three,” you’ll know that the choice you assigned to tails is what you really want. You don’t need to determine what you want to do; you already know that. Your challenge is to determine how you will do it.

I can’t completely disagree with this approach. I think we have more clarity about what we want and don’t want than we think we do.  Deciding isn’t the problem. The fear of making the wrong decision is. As long as you’re indecisive, you’re safe. But the reality is that not deciding is actually deciding.

As a child you lived with the consequences of decisions adults made for you. Once you become an adult, you are free to make your own. Have you developed the habit of letting others decide what’s best for you instead of taking responsibility for creating the life you want?

Something to think about.

Dirty Doxen #7

The reason so many people fail to achieve their goals is they give up when they run into obstacles that they had not anticipated or fail to achieve success as quickly as they had hoped. Instead of making a new or modified plan for how they will achieve their goals, they make excuses to justify why they can’t.

Excuses provide cover ups that hide the real reason for failing. It implies that an external factor we can do nothing about is to blame. The real reason may be as simple as “I just don’t want to.” But, if we were able to be honest with ourselves, we wouldn’t need excuses. So, we try to make our excuse the cause of not succeeding.

What differentiates a legitimate reason from an excuse is that when someone provides a reason for why something has or has not happened, a solution is offered. People who make excuses aren’t really looking for a solution. Making excuses can become a habit if nothing changes. If you clog up your life with excuses, you become a person of inaction unable to make decisions. You stay stuck in a life you may have outgrown.

We all make excuses for the things we don’t do, the promises we don’t keep to ourselves or others, the challenges and opportunities we don’t pursue. Our egos try to protect us by placing the blame somewhere else. Your excuses, however, will never do anything to help you achieve your goals, your dreams, or your ambitions. So instead of making excuses, make plans!  Consider the following options:

Make It New Again

When you commit to something new, you are excited by the prospect of pursuing something different. Your excitement propels you out of bed in the morning and motivates you to act on what you want. Over time, as the immediate progress you make becomes the status quo, you find yourself on a plateau. What was once inspiring is now normal. Maybe it’s time to replan.

Acknowledge the progress you made and make that a starting point for an expanded plan that takes you to a level you would not have believed you were capable of achieving when you created the first plan. Dream big once again. 

Develop a New Strategy

You made assumptions about how to reach your goal. You thought you knew your market and the service or product that was in demand and would lead to success. You thought you knew your company and what it takes to move up. Your strategy seemed like a good approach when you developed it. Now you’re beginning to see that your assumptions aren’t matching reality. Do you rethink your strategy, or do you make excuses?

When I started my first business, I was so convinced I understood my market, what their needs were and how to reach them. I quickly found out that I was wrong. I knew my market but my assumptions about what service or product they would spend their money on were incorrect. No one wants to admit they were wrong, least of all me, but I had to decide if I wanted to spend my time making excuses or developing a new strategy based on reality and what I had learned did not work. I chose the new strategy, and it worked.

You know so much more now than you did when you launched your plan. Successful people often talk about adjustments they made that led to their success. Maybe it’s time for a new strategy that incorporates newly gained experience and knowledge of what doesn’t work.

Be More: Become the Person that Comes After the Person you are Now

Often, the idea that inspires you requires you to “be more” before you can “do more” or “have more”. In the pursuit of your goal, you are going to have to become the kind of person who is capable of reaching that goal. The greater the goal, the more it will require that you grow.

Fake it until you make it is not bad advice, but it can be exhausting. Your image of yourself may not be at the level of someone who is living the kind of life you want.  You project an image to the world that reflects how you see yourself and affects how others will see you. Instead of using an excuse for struggling to achieve your goal, develop the skills and act the part of someone who belongs at that level. Your confidence will increase and you won’t have to fake anything.

Revise Your Timeline

You may need an in-between plan with a revised timeline before you can accomplish all of your original plan. We grow impatient when it takes longer to reach our goal than we thought it would.

An in-between plan may provide you with a “win” that motivates you to keep going plus gives you an opportunity to think about what it will take to achieve your goal in the next phase. What knowledge and contacts do you need that you don’t have now?

The time it takes to reach your goal isn’t always within your control, no matter how much you try to bend the curve in your direction. It never makes sense to use the excuse that a goal is taking too long because the time is going to pass anyway. It makes more sense to adjust your timeline than give up.

Seek New Counsel:

There may come a time when you need help. You may need someone with different or more experience to provide you with another view, another idea, another approach, or additional insights. You may need new counsel.

 Many of us believe that we must be the rugged individualist, refusing to ask for—or accept—help from others. Throughout human history, the wisest of all people have sought the counsel of others who offered a perspective or advice that would allow them to succeed. Seeking advice is always a better decision than making excuses to attempt to justify why you are unable to move forward.  

Do I Really Want This?

Sometimes you need to just stop and honestly ask yourself why you wanted to do this in the first place? Was it your idea or an idea imposed by someone who thought that knew what you “should” be doing.

There are not too many character traits that will serve you better than persistence. But persisting while being miserable and hating each step you take will only give you ulcers. If you’re on a path to achieving what you don’t want, stop! Instead of making excuses about why your plan isn’t working, admit that what you’ve learned from what you’ve experienced so far is that this just isn’t the path for you.

There are other paths you can take that are better suited to who you are and how to live your life. Give yourself credit for starting down a path and being strong enough and wise enough to not invest more time and energy in something you don’t want.

Make Plans Not Excuses

The path to success is rarely a straight line. Instead, it is likely to be marked by fits and starts. The first try is essential, but the second attempt, and all that follows, are every bit as necessary. It is impossible to succeed if you accept failure as final and absolve yourself of responsibility to try again by making excuses instead of making plans.  

You could be one change away from success, or perhaps success is going to require several modifications and more effort than you imagined. Excuses, instead of an honest appraisal of your situation, will never bring you success or provide satisfaction that the eventual attainment of your goal will.

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Dirty Dozen Belief No. 6

We risk rejection when we put ourselves out there and say: “this is who I am, this is what I believe, and this is what I’m capable of achieving.”

Rejection doesn’t feel good. But fearing rejection prevents you from taking risks and reaching larger goals. It hurts when you don’t get the job offer, you lose the job you have, your marriage doesn’t last, you don’t get the second date, you don’t get enough “likes” for a social media post, or you’re ostracized by friends, families, and communities for your lifestyle choices. We all experience rejection over things both big and small at least a few times in our life. It never feels good when something doesn’t happen the way you wanted it to. Rejection can also involve other uncomfortable emotions, such as embarrassment and awkwardness.

Why wouldn’t we develop a fear of rejection? Who wants to experience that pain or humiliation again? You can remind yourself that rejection is just a normal part of life and something you and everyone will face at some point, but telling yourself that you don’t hurt when you really do denies you the opportunity to confront and manage the pain of rejection productively before it becomes a fear that limits your life. Before you can begin addressing your feelings around rejection, it’s important to acknowledge them.

The greatest damage rejection causes are usually self-inflicted. Just when our self-esteem is hurting most because we have been rejected, we go and damage it even further. We take the pain we experience the moment the rejection happens, and play it over and over in our mind, thanks to the instant replay capability our brain provides.  We want to know why? Often, we don’t know the answer, so we make it up. Not only do we suffer in the moment, but we also continue to suffer for as long as our brain focuses on that experience.  It’s a gift that keeps on giving.

Another common mistake we make is to assume a rejection is personal when it’s not. Losing your job as part of a corporate RIF often has nothing to do with your capabilities. It’s about cutting costs and increasing shareholder wealth. To let the company’s financial decision, affect your decision about your future career opportunities and what you’re capable of achieving would be a mistake. They’ve created an opportunity to think about what’s important to you now, both professionally and personally. 

Most romantic rejections are a matter of incompatible lifestyles or wanting different things at different times. Blaming ourselves and attacking our self-worth only deepens the emotional pain we feel and makes it harder for us to recover emotionally. We can look back on past relationships that didn’t work out and be thankful for the rejection that opened the door to finding a much healthier relationship.

Tempting as it might be to list all your faults in the aftermath of a rejection and chastise yourself for what you did “wrong” — don’t. Going through an exhaustive search of your own deficiencies to understand why it didn’t “work out” is not only unnecessary but inaccurate and misleading. Review what happened and consider what you could do differently in the future but there is absolutely no good reason to be punitive and self-critical while doing so.

The good news is there are better and healthier ways to respond to rejection, things we can do to curb unhealthy responses, soothe our emotional pain, and rebuild our self-esteem. Here are just some of them:

1. Accept it: Yes, you were rejected.  Who hasn’t experienced rejection?  And haven’t you been in the position of rejecting someone?  Rejection happens to everyone. It’s what you experience on your way to success.
   
2. Validate your feelings: Other people might see what happened as no big deal and encourage you to get over it. They don’t feel what you feel.
   
3. Look for the learning opportunities: It may not seem like it right away, but rejection can provide opportunities for self-discovery and growth. Reframing your fear as a chance for growth can make it easier to try for what you want and lessen the pain if you fail. Try telling yourself, “This may not work out, but if it doesn’t, I’ll have a meaningful experience and know more than I did.  I’m confident there will be other opportunities.
   
4. Remind yourself of your worth: Rejection can be particularly frightening when you read too much into it. You won’t move forward if you keep blaming yourself as the answer to the question: “why?” It’s not all your fault.
   
5. Keep things in perspective: Your fear of rejection can cause you to catastrophize about all the bad things that might happen and imagine worst-case scenarios when you interview for another job or go out on a date. Just keep in mind that you survived this rejection, and you’ll survive and learn from other rejections on your way to success.
   
6. Face your fear: If you don’t put yourself out there you won’t experience rejection. But you probably won’t achieve your goals either.  Going for what you want gives you the opportunity to experience success. Rejection doesn’t feel good but neither does setting home predicting a future of doom and gloom.  
   
7. Reject negative self-talk: It’s easy to fall into a pattern of self-criticism after experiencing rejection. This just reinforces your belief that the rejection was your fault when it may have had nothing to do with you at all.
   
8. Lean on your support network: Spending time with people who care about you reinforces your knowledge that you are wanted.  Knowing that you have people in your life who will love you no matter what, can make the possibility of rejection less scary

The bottom line

As social animals, we need to feel wanted and valued by others. Rejection destabilizes our need to belong, leaving us feeling unsettled and socially untethered. We need to remind ourselves that we’re appreciated and loved so we can feel more connected and grounded. Rejection can sting and make you doubt yourself. But fearing it will limit you and prevent you from experiencing much of what life has to offer. Choosing to look at rejection as an opportunity for growth instead of the end of the world can help you feel less afraid of the possibility. As Hellen Keller said: “When one door closes another one opens.  Often, we look so long at the one that’s closed we fail to see the one that’s opened

Dirty Dozen Belief No. 5

Looking Backwards Does Not Move You Forward

I learned early in my coaching practice to listen to where a client’s conversation was focused.  Did they talk more about what was happening in the present, what they were wanting to happen in the future, or what had happened in the past?

The two key words I listened for were “if only.” When I heard those two words repeated often, I knew they were stuck in a past that was preventing them from moving forward in the present or imagining a future.  

Some who spoke more about the past were stuck in the “blame game,” If they blamed themselves, I would hear “If only” I were smarter, had taken more risks, had taken less risks, had more confidence, was more attractive, etc., my life today would be so much better. They expressed regret about the actions they did or didn’t take, that created the life they have today.  

Some expressed anger toward others they blamed for doing something that they believed ruined their life.  “If only” I hadn’t trusted that person, invested in that company, worked for that idiot boss, married that person, had better parents, etc., my life would be so much better today.

Both regret and anger kept them stuck in a past that they often failed to realize they had survived.  Instead of seeing themselves as stronger and wiser for surviving their past, they saw themselves as victims of someone else’s actions or inferior for not being smart enough to create a better life.

And then there were clients whose conversations about the past described a life that was so perfect they believed they would never experience anything so wonderful again. They couldn’t possibly find someone as perfect as their former spouse or have a life as exciting and fun as they once had when they were younger.  “If only I could go back and experience that life all over again.  Those were the good old days. All I have left are my memories. I can never be that happy again.

Conversations dominated by the two words: “if only” express a strong wish that things could be different in our present life, and a belief that our life would be different today if only we had made different choices in the past or if only, we could duplicate the past in the present. It’s difficult to enjoy the present or plan your future when your thoughts and energy are in the past. Looking backward does not move you forward.

It’s also true that our memories of the past – both wonderful and terrible – may not be accurate.  Was your life as perfect as you say it was or are you totally to blame for making bad choices that created a life that isn’t the life you want?

The human ability to mentally travel through time and create incidents and outcomes that never happened enables what’s called “counterfactual thinking.” Split the adjective in two and its meaning is evident. We can create events that run counter to the facts.  

Counterfactuals permit us to imagine what might have been. Research done on counterfactual thinking reveals that thoughts about the past that make us feel better are relatively rare, while thoughts that make us feel worse are exceedingly common. If Onlys deliver discomfort and distress.  What about substituting “At Least”?

At least I was strong enough or smart enough to survive the bad things that happened in the past whether caused by my own actions or someone else’s. Loss is painful but at least I was blessed with wonderful relationships and exciting experiences in the past and believe I will be in the future as well.  I’m grateful for the past, thankful for the present, and excited about the future.

This is the language that reflects the belief that moves you forward.

Something to think about. 

Dirty Dozen Belief #4

Believing that some things are meant to be provides us with an answer to the surprising, unexpected, and unplanned events that happen to us, but does holding this belief help us or hurt us? 

The benefit of believing that if something is meant to happen it will happen,  is that it shows you have faith that there is a purpose and a plan for your life. If you somehow figure out what this is and follow your path you will have a successful career, fall in love with Mr./Ms. Right, and have the financial means to live the life you’ve always dreamed of. if it’s meant to be it will happen regardless of the effort you put forth to make it happen.

If we accept this belief, it will also mean that if you want something, pursue it, work hard for it, and if it doesn’t happen it’s because it was not destined to be.  If life doesn’t turn out the way you want it to you accept that it wasn’t what was meant for you because destiny determines your life, you don’t.  You have faith that you can handle the disappointment and settle for where you are, because that’s where you’re meant to be.

I think it also represents a laisse faire  attitude toward life because you believe you lack the power to create your dream life or are powerless to change the life you have if you’re not happy. It’s taking a passive approach to living your life that  suggests you don’t have any responsibility for how your life turns out.

This belief can either make you feel comfortable or uncomfortable. It may feel good because It provides you with an excuse if you aren’t successful.  It’s not your fault. It just wasn’t meant to be. Although it’s easy to feel overwhelmed when you believe you’re completely responsible for the good and the bad that happens to you,  it also feels uncomfortable to believe you are powerless to create the life you want.

When you’ve had setbacks, or in those moments when you’ve done all you can and in spite of your hard work the desired outcome isn’t achieved, it can seem like you ‘re plagued by bad luck. What you are striving for will never happen because it just isn’t meant to be.

Something I love about the belief that if it’s meant to happen it will happen, is that I can look back on my life and definitely see moments when I met the right person or attended the right meeting, or just happened to sit next to someone at a dinner  that open doors to opportunities and led to a life that logically should never have happened. It’s easy to think that I was just lucky to be in the right place at the right time.

If I really take a look at those unexpected meetings, I can also see that I showed up to those places and did the follow up that put me on the path to a fulfilling career or happy relationship. I chose to walk through a door that was opened for me without knowing what was on the other side.  Life didn’t just happen without any effort on my part.

I believe we each have the power to determine our destiny. We have free will to choose to say yes or no to opportunities that come our way. When you’re open to unexpected opportunities and don’t overlook them because it’s not exactly what you were waiting for, you may find that it’s a steppingstone to achieving an even  larger purpose than what you could have imagined.

I don’t believe there is one purpose and one path destined for you. There are many options. The world is changing too fast for us to be limited to one.  Maybe there is an amazing multi-purpose plan for each of us with multiple entry points and ample opportunities to choose every day to be a part of it.

We grow impatient.  We want what we want, and we want it now, but often, we aren’t ready for it. If you feel like you continue to hit a brick wall, it’s not bad luck. It may be an indication that there is another opportunity that is better for you but you can’t see it if you keep hitting that brick wall.

There’s another saying I think is much more empowering and has worked better for me than “If It’s Meant to Happen It Will Happen,” and that’s “If It’s Meant to Be It Is Up to Me.”  

Our choices determine our destiny.  If we choose to have faith that no matter how many disappointments we have, we can embrace the unexpected and choose to open our minds to new opportunities. That’s how we create our own destiny. 

The belief that “I must not fail,” is number 3 in our list of the Dirty Dozen Limiting Beliefs I’ll be writing about each month this year. It is closely linked to the two beliefs we’ve discussed so far, January’s “what will they think if I fail,” and February’s “I must be perfect, so I don’t fail.”

If you’ve been a high achiever all your life and somehow managed to get to a certain point in your life without experiencing failure, you may have developed the unrealistic and somewhat arrogant belief that you will always be successful. All it takes is hard work. People who fail are lazy. If they had just worked a little harder or longer, they too would be successful.

I once carried that unrealistic belief around in my head and believed that failure was fatal. How do you bounce back from a business failure, losing a job, a relationship that didn’t work out? How could I experience any of those things and not see myself as a failure? And, how could anyone else see me as anything but a failure? What would they think? So, I must be perfect.

That was the thinking that ruled my life until I experienced failure in each one of those areas and learned two valuable lessons:

1. Sometimes no matter how hard you work there are factors beyond your control. You are not all powerful. Other people have the power to make decisions that affect you.
   
2. Failure isn’t fatal. It doesn’t feel good, but it doesn’t last forever. Life goes on and so do you.

Failure is Freeing

The experience of failing made me feel less fearful, more confident, and more willing to take risks. It was actually very freeing and ultimately created more opportunities for me that would not have come my way if I hadn’t experienced failure that actually created space for new experiences and greater success. Looking back from the perspective of today, I feel more appreciation than regret. Experiencing failure ultimately led to an opportunity that changed the course and direction of my life.

When Dolly Parton was expanding her career beyond country music and into acting, a reporter asked her what she would do if acting or crossing over to popular music wasn successful.  What if she failed? Her reply was that if she failed, she would just do something else.

Fear of failure actually has a name.  It’s called Atychiphobia and described as a constant, overwhelming feeling of dread that accompanies pursuing your goals. People who live with atychiphobia often feel absolutely certain they will fail, even if that feeling is baseless. They believe they are not or will not be good enough and will disappoint people in their life.

When kept in check, a healthy fear of failure can be positive and lead us to better plan, focus, and preparation. When a fear of failure grows out of control it can become paralyzing and isolating.

Is a fear of failure holding you back? Here are seven signs that it may be:

1. A sense of hopelessness about the future.
2. Chronic worry.
3. Concerns about what others will think of you if you fail.
4. Frequent procrastination.
5. High distractibility, being pulled off task by irrelevant or unimportant things.
6. Avoiding people associated with a project or general goal.
7. Physical symptoms that prevent working toward a goal.

What can you do if you believe the fear of failure is preventing you from living the life you desire? Here are 4 ways to  move past “But what if?”

1. Pinpoint exactly what you’re afraid of. Fears of failure are often vague. Once your fear is defined it becomes easier to challenge and mange.
   
2. Answer your “what if” questions.  So “what if” this happens?  What can I do? When you answer the “what if” question, you can work through the worst-case scenario.
   
3. Focus on the process not the outcome.  We can learn from the process, but we can’t always control the outcome.  Turn failure into a learning process of what to do differently next time.
   
4. Remember that failure doesn’t last forever. It’s not the end. It’s just a pause.
   
   Follow Dolly Parton’s advice and realize that if whatever you attempted to accomplish didn’t lead to the success you desired, you will just do something else.

On a rational level we know that perfection is impossible to achieve but that doesn’t stop a perfectionist from trying. 

Perfectionism is defined as the need to appear perfect and is not the same as striving to be your best. Healthy perfectionism can be self-motivating and drive you to overcome adversity and achieve success. Unhealthy perfectionism makes life an endless report card on accomplishments and/or looks. It is extremely stressful because you constantly worry about making everything perfect, believe nothing is ever good enough, and never feel satisfied or fulfilled from your efforts.

How Do We Develop Unhealthy Perfectionism?

Unhealthy perfectionism is driven primarily by internal pressures, such as feelings of unworthiness; low self-esteem; fear of failure; the desire to avoid criticism or harsh judgement; the need to be praised or rewarded in some way that is meaningful to you and painful childhood experiences that you want to avoid ever feeling again.

Many factors can contribute to the development of unhealthy perfectionism, including:

The widespread presence of social media and the negative social comparisons it provokes has caused perfectionism to increase substantially over the past 30 years, especially among young people.

Having a parent who exhibits perfectionistic behavior or expresses disapproval when their children’s efforts do not result in perfection. Some parents may encourage their child to succeed in every area or push perfection on them to an extent that can be damaging to their self-esteem and considered abusive.

A history of high achievement can cause you to feel that you must live up to previous achievements. Children who are frequently praised for their accomplishments may feel pressure to keep achieving as they age, which can also cause perfectionistic tendencies.

There are three types of perfectionism:

1. Self-oriented or self-critical which is imposing an unrealistic desire to be perfect on yourself.
2. Other-oriented that drives you to impose unrealistic standards of perfectionism on others.
3. Socially imposed perfectionism that perceives unrealistic expectations of perfection from others.

Of course, you can have all three. For example, you expect yourself to be the perfect spouse and parent, you impose unrealistic standards on your spouse and children because a perfect person would have a perfect family, and you do this because you believe your parents or in-laws have these expectations of you. It’s a triple whammy of self-imposed stress.

What you expect of yourself, expect of others, or believe they expect from you may impact many areas of your life including:

Relationships: It can bring extra stress and pressure into your relationships and cause people in your life to feel like they can never live up to your standards, which can negatively impact their self-esteem and level of confidence.

Environment or surroundings: This may include the need for your home or yard to be immaculate at all times, requiring a large amount of time and energy to keep surroundings in line with your standards.

Communication: When a person is perfectionistic about how they speak or write, or when you’re with someone who constantly criticizes yours or others speech and writing, you are likely to speak very little or avoid writing for fear of making a mistake.

Physical appearance: This type of perfectionism can cause someone to worry excessively about how they look. They may take hours choosing what to wear or how to style their hair. Perfectionism surrounding physical appearance can also lead to eating disorders.

Are you a perfectionist?

Do you have any of the following characteristics of perfectionists:

1. Set unrealistically high expectations for yourself and others.
2. Quick to find fault and overly critical of mistakes.
3. Procrastinate finishing a task until the result is perfect according to your standards or procrastinate beginning one out of fear of failure.
4. Shrug off compliments and find it difficult to celebrate success.
5. Look to specific people for approval and validation.
6. Constantly compare your work to the work of others and judge it never good enough.
7. Spend an excessive amount of time writing and rewriting a two-sentence email.
8. Find it difficult to be happy for others who are successful.
9. Avoid playing a game or trying a new activity with friends for fear of appearing less than perfect.
10. Continue to feel unsatisfied even when you achieve your desired result.

Managing Unhealthy Perfectionism

If you find that you have traits of perfectionism that cause you daily distress, know that perfectionistic behavior and habits can be changed. It is possible to learn healthier attitudes about your goals and standards.

First, focus on managing unhealthy perfectionism, since attempting to overcome it can set you up for failure. Changing negative thinking and behavior that is the result of a fear-based belief system takes time because your perfectionistic reactions have become habits. You have to identify the behavior and thinking at the moment it happens and replace it with healthier thoughts and behaviors until those become habits.

Second, follow the ABC approach mentioned in last month’s article on “I Must Be Perfect.”

A = Awareness of when perfectionism is negatively impacting your life. It may be at work, home, or when you are with certain people. Understanding this will help you focus on areas that need to change.

B = Belief this thinking and behavior is based on that needs to be replaced with non-perfectionistic thinking and behavior.

C = Choose to risk changing the behavior and thinking to eliminate the perfectionistic thinking and behavior and see what happens. I promise the result won’t be as terrible as you are imaging it will.

Third, the solution is always within the problem. You can take each one of the 10 perfectionistic traits you identified with and turn it around.  For example,

1. Ask yourself if your expectation is unrealistically high for yourself or others.
2. Notice when you are finding fault with others and being overly critical of their mistakes and try finding something to compliment.
3. Instead of procrastinating out of fear of failure, ask yourself what’s the worst that can happen if results are less than perfect?
4. Accept compliments with a “thank you” and begin to celebrate small achievements.

I think you get the idea. You can follow the four examples for each one of the ten you think describes you.

The goal is to replace perfectionist thinking with realistic thinking, let go of the comparison mindset, use compassionate self-talk to replace critical thoughts, challenge negative self-judgments by asking why you believe it’s true, and be present in the moment and choose to end unhealthy perfectionism when it happens so the old self-destructive habits go away.

Positive Perfectionism

Your feelings are your barometer that indicate healthy and unhealthy perfectionism. Do you feel motivated and energized by your goals and not overwhelmed or paralyzed by what you believe you have to do or must do rather than what you want to do?  When you’re doing what you really want to do you will feel excitement instead of fear. You will hear other people’s criticisms as their opinion and not necessarily true for you. You will feel proud of what you’ve attempted to do even if the outcome was less than perfect.

So, strive for excellence instead of demanding perfection, set stretch goals, have high standards, focus on what you have accomplished, and rather than being paralyzed by your fear of failure, go for growth, and enjoy being challenged.  You will achieve more in the long run and live to enjoy it.

Values = Beliefs = Choices = Behavior  = Outcome

Your life is a reflection of values and beliefs that influenced the choices you saw, decisions you made, and created the life you have today. When you understand the link between the beliefs and behaviors that shaped your life,  you can  begin to question if those beliefs are still valid, and will they enable the changes you desire in your personal and/or professional life. They led you to where you are today, but will they take you to where you want to be in the future?

The saying “Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results” has almost become a cliché, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true. If you want a different outcome you have to engage in different behavior. This is challenging because behaviors become habits and automatic reactions that are supported by beliefs  that may no longer be relevant. Change is difficult to make and sustain because it requires replacing both beliefs and behaviors that are barriers with new ones that facilitate realization of the life you want. Not doing this leads to a pattern of setting goals and New Year’s Resolutions but not achieving them.

The need for approval is the limiting belief I hear most often from clients who aren’t successfully making the changes they say they want. When your first thought is “what will they think if I do this”, you’re giving someone the power to control your future.  You’re saying that they know better than you do what’s best for you and if they disapprove of the change you want to make you must be making the wrong choice that will result in the wrong decision. 

When you fail to make the choice that you believed was a better choice for you because someone disapproves, you live the life they want you to live.  You choose their approval over your happiness.  You end up unhappy and wonder why?

When you turn an individual decision into a group decision by seeking approval for the changes you want to make, you’re asking permission from someone who likely doesn’t have the same goals you do. They won’t live with the feeling of being stuck in a life they’re outgrown that you will.

It’s not difficult to understand why the fear of disapproval is so prevalent. As a child, you didn’t question  what someone else said you could not – or should not – do.  You accepted what they said as truth because they were older and wiser.  Approval from parents, teachers, and fitting in with your peer group felt good. Doing what they wanted you to do was rewarded while doing what you wanted to do was punished and being different from your peers could lead to being ostracized.

Seeking approval becomes a habit that’s hard to break. As adults we have the power to make decisions about our life, even if others disapprove or we’re ostracized by our peer group. Disapproval doesn’t feel good if we believe the negative feedback and criticism we may hear from others when we share our goals.

Who wants to hear “you’re too old to do that,” when we say we want to change careers; “what if you lose all your money,” if you share that you’re thinking about starting your own business;  “are you crazy, you’ll never find another partner better than the one you have now, when you say you’re thinking about ending your relationship; “do you know how expensive tuition is these days,” if you’re wanting to go back to school; or the overall guilt inducing one, “why can’t you be happy with the way things are, you’re so blessed.”

As an adult you can still be ostracized by your peer group who may be threatened by the changes you’re making.  Losing weight requires you to change your diet. If your social life centers around food and wine – too much food and wine – sustaining the behavior that results in losing weight may affect your relationships. Successfully making any type of change that requires you to move out of your comfort zone may threaten your existing relationships and require new relationships with people who are already – or on their way to – living the life you want to live.  

You can question – and should question – the opinions of others that can become a barrier to making changes you want to make, especially when they make you feel worse instead of better about yourself. Unfortunately, the world we live in tends to focus more on limits than on possibilities. We often believe the criticisms and negativity we hear from others when it’s really their insecurities being expressed as their opinions.

You have to ask yourself why their approval is so important to you, why you think you need permission, and what bad thing you fear will happen if they disapprove and you move forward with the changes you want to make anyway. 

I’ve faced disapproval from friends and family when I’ve made significant life choices that they didn’t understand. What I’ve learned is that most people will express their opinion without you asking what they think, those who disapprove will get over it and eventually say “I always knew you could do it,” and life works much better when you make choices that you believe are best for you.

The table below illustrates desired beliefs and behaviors that replace the limiting beliefs and behaviors that have become a barrier for you.  My clients have found that following the “A,B,C”  process is effective in reexamining and replacing limiting beliefs and behaviors with ones that support personal growth.

A = Awareness of situations where you feel the need for approval and the people you seek approval from. Who is your “they” when the thought of “what will they say” pops into your head.

B= Belief about the consequences of disapproval. What is the fear of disapproval based on? Is this a valid fear?

B = Behavior that doesn’t support you in achieving your goal that you can recognize, stop in the moment, and replace with behavior that does.

C = Choice you make to consistently follow the ABC process described above, question the criticism you hear from others rather than accepting it as fact, and to spend more time with people who support your goals and less with people who don’t.

Following the ABC process will feel uncomfortable in the beginning, but if you’re consistent it will eventually feel natural. Your level of confidence and quality of relationships will increase as you take charge of creating the life you want.

	Limiting Beliefs & Behaviors	Desired Beliefs & Behaviors
Belief	I must have approval.	Approval is nice but not necessary.
Thinking	What will they think? Everyone must like me. If others disapprove of what I want to do it means I’m making a mistake.	They will think whatever they think and that’s ok. Some people may not like me and that’s ok.  Do I  like everyone? If others disapprove of what I want to do it doesn’t mean I’m making a mistake.
Attitude	Accommodating Indecisive	Confident Decisive.
Behavior	I only do what someone tells me I should do or can do. I turn an individual decision into a group decision.	I take responsibility for making decisions that are best for me.
Outcome	I am living someone else’s life and wondering why I’m not happy	I am living the life that’s the best life for me and I’m building relationships with people who support me.