Dirty Dozen #12
A negative self-image and low self-confidence are the root causes of each of “The Dirty Dozen” barriers to success I have written about over the past year. Increasing your confidence and improving your self-image make it possible for you to conquer the other eleven.
Self-Esteem vs. Self Confidence
It is essential to differentiate self-confidence from self-esteem. Self-esteem is the degree to which you value yourself. Self-confidence is the degree to which you value your abilities or capabilities. You can’t have one without the other. Developing a more positive self-image will increase your level of self-confidence, and increasing your self-confidence will improve your self-image.
Self-esteem is a state of mind, and it can be changed. Raising your self-esteem requires a combination of changing what you think and what you do. We increase our self-confidence by stretching beyond our comfort zone; if you don’t stretch, you don’t grow.
We Teach People How to Treat Us. How’s the World Treating You?
Feeling, thinking, and talking about yourself in a particular way creates the image you project to others and becomes a habit after a while. You can become so accustomed to putting yourself down that you don’t recognize when others do.
Beliefs create behaviors, and behaviors create the image you project to others. If you don’t respect and value yourself, others won’t respect you either. If you don’t believe you can take on new challenges, others won’t either, and new opportunities will go to someone else. This reinforces your negative beliefs about yourself and becomes a difficult cycle to break out of.
This is not to blame you but to help you realize that the beliefs you’ve developed over your lifetime create behaviors that determine how the world treats you. What are you not doing now because you don’t believe you can? What unacceptable behavior are you accepting from others because you think you must? What uncomfortable feeling would you like never to feel again?
Confidence vs. Arrogance
We often confuse confidence with arrogance, but it’s not the same.
- Arrogance is loud. Confidence is quiet.
- Arrogance is critical. Confidence is supportive.
- Arrogance has all the answers. Confidence knows that there are many choices.
- Arrogance is never wrong. Confidence doesn’t fear being wrong.
- Arrogance is judgmental of how others live their life. Confidence accepts that each
person is unique and makes different choices, and that’s ok. - Arrogance has a high need to control – everything. Confidence contributes to the
situation without needing to control it. - Arrogance has the solution to everybody’s problems. Confidence focuses on solving
problems they own.
Confidence is the feeling of trust in one’s abilities, qualities, and judgment. It is the energy and belief that you have in yourself that if you use your skills, knowledge, and special abilities towards your goals, you can achieve whatever you want. Most of all, you replace fear of what might happen with confidence in your ability to handle whatever does happen.
A Positive Self-Image and Increased Self-Confidence Defeat the “Dirty Dozen.”
As your level of confidence increases, your thinking and behavior will change. You will respond to situations and people from a position of strength.
- You won’t seek the approval of others because you understand it’s only their opinion, and yours is the one that matters.
- You’re not burdened with the need to be perfect because you realize no one is.
- Fear of failure will not hold you back because you know that experiencing failure is how you learn and grow.
- Rejection doesn’t devastate you because you understand that we are all rejected multiple times for multiple reasons. Something better is coming.
- You will make plans instead of excuses and be honest about what you do and don’t want to do.
- You won’t be paralyzed by indecisiveness from fear of making the wrong decision because you are confident that you will survive and learn from your bad choices.
- You no longer fear change and have the courage to move beyond your comfort zone to discover opportunities change creates.
- You aren’t stuck in the world of “if only” and can let go of the past to have the energy to create a better future.
- You don’t feel inferior to others because you understand that we each have our strengths and weaknesses, and our weaknesses don’t mean we’re inferior.
- You embrace the success you’ve worked hard to achieve and don’t need to hide or downplay your accomplishments, so others feel better.
- You don’t let the belief of “if it’s meant to be, it will be.” You take responsibility for creating the life you want. You embrace the belief of “Leap and the net will appear.”
Most of all, you replace fear of what might happen with confidence in your ability to handle whatever does happen.
The ABC Solution to Rethink, Reprogram, and Rebuild a More Positive View of You.
So, how do you develop the confidence to respond in the ways described above? The “ABC” steps described below will help you increase your self-confidence and self-esteem. Begin by applying the process to one of the dirty dozen that creates the most significant barrier for you.
Awareness is the first step to change. We may feel confident in some areas and when we’re with certain people and less confident with others and other situations. Become aware of situations where you feel less confident and how that feeling affects how you talk about yourself or if you talk at all. Do you feel diminished in their presence? Who are you with, what do they say and do, and how do you react? We teach people how to treat us. What lesson are you teaching? Answering the question, “How’s the world treating me,” is an excellent place to start identifying a pattern of behavior in certain situations that doesn’t bring you the desired results.
Beliefs create behaviors that become barriers to feeling confident. Question if your beliefs about yourself are true, false, fact, or fiction. What are you believing about yourself when you begin to feel uncomfortable? Is the belief based on what someone told you and you accepted as accurate? How do you know it’s true? It’s just a thought stuck in your head because you’ve repeated it to yourself repeatedly. Consider whether this belief affected your relationship and career choices and whether it’s true. What if it is true? You are much more than the situations in your life and the judgments of those around you.
Choice, Change, Control, & Courage: There are things you can do to improve how you feel about yourself.
- You choose your thoughts and actions. You can choose different thoughts and actions. You can refocus on your strengths rather than weaknesses.
- You choose your behavior. You can choose to change your behavior to create a better outcome.
- You choose how you react, adapt, and respond to circumstances that may have been beyond your control but still affect what you believe about yourself.
- You choose to learn from past mistakes and commit to making better decisions.
- You can’t always change how others treat you, but you can choose to surround yourself with people who treat you well.
Courage Is Required to Make the First Change
What if they don’t like you anymore? You will find people who do. What if they say you’re arrogant? You’ll know you are projecting a level of confidence they haven’t seen from you before. What if it feels uncomfortable? It will. That’s why you need courage. The key is to focus only on the first change, only on one of the dirty dozen. When you begin to see positive results, you can move on to the next one. A small change can lead to big results.
Stop Playing Small When You Were Meant To Be Big
I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes by Marianne Williamson
Our Deepest Fear
By Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.
We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us;
It’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
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