Fear of Change

Dirty Dozen #11

Call it middle age crazy or an opportunity too good to pass up, but 30 years ago I  made a change  that turned my life upside down without fully understanding how big the change would be and how people in my life would be affected by my decision. I understand now that change has a ripple effect that leads to  other changes that do affect your relationships.  There is no such thing as a small change.  

A fear of change is really a fear of the unknown, the unanticipated consequences that might happen, and your inability to deal with them if they do.

Can you handle the disruption change triggers, the impact to your relationships, the pain of letting go of the old for the new, and what others might say – especially the ones who told you that you were making a big mistake,

Fear is an emotion that causes you to lose clarity about your skills and abilities to handle the unknown. We like to feel in control. Uncertainty feeds our fears and clouds our ability to see what we really want.

If we believed we could handle the outcome of making the changes we desire– no matter what – there would be no reason not to pursue opportunities that require us to make changes in our life. Faith in our abilities would be stronger than our fear of failing.

Fear prevents you from making the changes you need to make your life better. Staying put, however, can be riskier than changing. Whether it’s in your career or a relationship, you risk being left behind if you don’t continue to grow. It’s easy to become comfortable with the status quo until one day you are forced to change when staying put is no longer an option.

Your company decides to eliminate your position, your spouse leaves you for someone else, your house burns down, etc. You are pulled out of your complacency kicking and screaming into a new life you didn’t choose.

And then there are those of us who choose to disrupt our predictable life for one we believe will lead us to a better, happier, and more challenging life. The changes we make are the changes we choose because we are ready to design the next chapter of our life. 

Whether you choose to change some aspect of your life or are being forced to, you will experience a time of transition until you feel comfortable in a new life. It will feel like you are riding a roller coaster of emotions ranging from feeling sad, angry, scared, confused, combined with excrement, gratitude, joy. It can feel like the best of times and the worst of times at the same time. You’re at the end of one chapter of your life and may have no idea what the next chapter will be.

Understanding how to manage the transition triggered by change helps you feel more in control and flow through the process much easier.

Change begins with an ending. Even if you choose this change you must deal with the process of letting go of the old to move to the new. If this change was forced, you may spend time feeling angry and blaming others for the situation you find yourself in. Of course, this just keeps you stuck in a past that no longer exists. 

Change requires us to choose. One chapter ends and you can write the next one. You can design a life that is even better than the life you’re hanging on to that no longer exists. You can stay stuck, or you can move forward. This is your choice.

You’ll know you’re moving out of the ending phase when you begin to think and talk more about the future and less about the past and more about possibilities than limits.

I call the next phase the miserable middle. You’re not where you were but not yet in the new. You’re in the uncomfortable in-between that can be very confusing. You may have jumped into a new job or relationship to fill the void created by what you left behind and it didn’t work out. You didn’t take the time to think about how change has changed  you, and that’s what the middle phase is all about.

You will have days when you think you’re crazy when you’re only confused. Your language reflects the “yes but” you’re feeling because you’re seeing options and opportunities, but not for you.

The middle phase isn’t pleasant and you may slip back into regret about the good old days before changed pushed you out of your comfort zone or that you made a huge mistake when you chose to leave a life you’ve outgrown.

The miserable middle becomes less miserable as you gain clarity about what you want and don’t want in this phase of your life. You will begin to write the next chapter of your life and be willing to make a few edits along the way.

You will know you are moving to the final phase of transition when you are willing to make a commitment to a new career, relationship, and how you want to experience life at this phase of your life despite twinges of fear that are normal anytime we move or are pushed out of our comfort zone.

To start a new chapter in your life, you must finish one first, and that’s what the transition process is all about.

Sometimes we resist the end of a particular phase in our lives because we confuse the chapter with the book. Your book can have many chapters and unexpected twists. That’s what makes a good book. Not every chapter will be successful. And that’s okay—you can always write a new one. The beauty of life is that you can course correct. Use that energy to write the next chapter.

Don’t let fear of change close the door to new chapters. When we want to protect ourselves from uncertainty, we lose awareness of the present moment. And we stop enjoying what life gives us.

My story had a happy ending, despite a few bumps along the way.  I had outgrown some relationships and had to leave them behind while developing new ones that fit better with who I was becoming, others had to be redefined. I definitely was writing the next chapter of my life but wouldn’t be the last. As I’m moving into the next phase of my life I’m realizing that it’s possible to have a book with many chapters.  And that’s ok.