Dirty Dozen Belief No. 6
We risk rejection when we put ourselves out there and say: “this is who I am, this is what I believe, and this is what I’m capable of achieving.”
Rejection doesn’t feel good. But fearing rejection prevents you from taking risks and reaching larger goals. It hurts when you don’t get the job offer, you lose the job you have, your marriage doesn’t last, you don’t get the second date, you don’t get enough “likes” for a social media post, or you’re ostracized by friends, families, and communities for your lifestyle choices. We all experience rejection over things both big and small at least a few times in our life. It never feels good when something doesn’t happen the way you wanted it to. Rejection can also involve other uncomfortable emotions, such as embarrassment and awkwardness.
Why wouldn’t we develop a fear of rejection? Who wants to experience that pain or humiliation again? You can remind yourself that rejection is just a normal part of life and something you and everyone will face at some point, but telling yourself that you don’t hurt when you really do denies you the opportunity to confront and manage the pain of rejection productively before it becomes a fear that limits your life. Before you can begin addressing your feelings around rejection, it’s important to acknowledge them.
The greatest damage rejection causes are usually self-inflicted. Just when our self-esteem is hurting most because we have been rejected, we go and damage it even further. We take the pain we experience the moment the rejection happens, and play it over and over in our mind, thanks to the instant replay capability our brain provides. We want to know why? Often, we don’t know the answer, so we make it up. Not only do we suffer in the moment, but we also continue to suffer for as long as our brain focuses on that experience. It’s a gift that keeps on giving.
Another common mistake we make is to assume a rejection is personal when it’s not. Losing your job as part of a corporate RIF often has nothing to do with your capabilities. It’s about cutting costs and increasing shareholder wealth. To let the company’s financial decision, affect your decision about your future career opportunities and what you’re capable of achieving would be a mistake. They’ve created an opportunity to think about what’s important to you now, both professionally and personally.
Most romantic rejections are a matter of incompatible lifestyles or wanting different things at different times. Blaming ourselves and attacking our self-worth only deepens the emotional pain we feel and makes it harder for us to recover emotionally. We can look back on past relationships that didn’t work out and be thankful for the rejection that opened the door to finding a much healthier relationship.
Tempting as it might be to list all your faults in the aftermath of a rejection and chastise yourself for what you did “wrong” — don’t. Going through an exhaustive search of your own deficiencies to understand why it didn’t “work out” is not only unnecessary but inaccurate and misleading. Review what happened and consider what you could do differently in the future but there is absolutely no good reason to be punitive and self-critical while doing so.
The good news is there are better and healthier ways to respond to rejection, things we can do to curb unhealthy responses, soothe our emotional pain, and rebuild our self-esteem. Here are just some of them:
- Accept it: Yes, you were rejected. Who hasn’t experienced rejection? And haven’t you been in the position of rejecting someone? Rejection happens to everyone. It’s what you experience on your way to success.
- Validate your feelings: Other people might see what happened as no big deal and encourage you to get over it. They don’t feel what you feel.
- Look for the learning opportunities: It may not seem like it right away, but rejection can provide opportunities for self-discovery and growth. Reframing your fear as a chance for growth can make it easier to try for what you want and lessen the pain if you fail. Try telling yourself, “This may not work out, but if it doesn’t, I’ll have a meaningful experience and know more than I did. I’m confident there will be other opportunities.
- Remind yourself of your worth: Rejection can be particularly frightening when you read too much into it. You won’t move forward if you keep blaming yourself as the answer to the question: “why?” It’s not all your fault.
- Keep things in perspective: Your fear of rejection can cause you to catastrophize about all the bad things that might happen and imagine worst-case scenarios when you interview for another job or go out on a date. Just keep in mind that you survived this rejection, and you’ll survive and learn from other rejections on your way to success.
- Face your fear: If you don’t put yourself out there you won’t experience rejection. But you probably won’t achieve your goals either. Going for what you want gives you the opportunity to experience success. Rejection doesn’t feel good but neither does setting home predicting a future of doom and gloom.
- Reject negative self-talk: It’s easy to fall into a pattern of self-criticism after experiencing rejection. This just reinforces your belief that the rejection was your fault when it may have had nothing to do with you at all.
- Lean on your support network: Spending time with people who care about you reinforces your knowledge that you are wanted. Knowing that you have people in your life who will love you no matter what, can make the possibility of rejection less scary
The bottom line
As social animals, we need to feel wanted and valued by others. Rejection destabilizes our need to belong, leaving us feeling unsettled and socially untethered. We need to remind ourselves that we’re appreciated and loved so we can feel more connected and grounded. Rejection can sting and make you doubt yourself. But fearing it will limit you and prevent you from experiencing much of what life has to offer. Choosing to look at rejection as an opportunity for growth instead of the end of the world can help you feel less afraid of the possibility. As Hellen Keller said: “When one door closes another one opens. Often, we look so long at the one that’s closed we fail to see the one that’s opened
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