“If Only”

Dirty Dozen Belief No. 5

Looking Backwards Does Not Move You Forward

I learned early in my coaching practice to listen to where a client’s conversation was focused.  Did they talk more about what was happening in the present, what they were wanting to happen in the future, or what had happened in the past?

The two key words I listened for were “if only.” When I heard those two words repeated often, I knew they were stuck in a past that was preventing them from moving forward in the present or imagining a future.  

Some who spoke more about the past were stuck in the “blame game,” If they blamed themselves, I would hear “If only” I were smarter, had taken more risks, had taken less risks, had more confidence, was more attractive, etc., my life today would be so much better. They expressed regret about the actions they did or didn’t take, that created the life they have today.  

Some expressed anger toward others they blamed for doing something that they believed ruined their life.  “If only” I hadn’t trusted that person, invested in that company, worked for that idiot boss, married that person, had better parents, etc., my life would be so much better today.

Both regret and anger kept them stuck in a past that they often failed to realize they had survived.  Instead of seeing themselves as stronger and wiser for surviving their past, they saw themselves as victims of someone else’s actions or inferior for not being smart enough to create a better life.

And then there were clients whose conversations about the past described a life that was so perfect they believed they would never experience anything so wonderful again. They couldn’t possibly find someone as perfect as their former spouse or have a life as exciting and fun as they once had when they were younger.  “If only I could go back and experience that life all over again.  Those were the good old days. All I have left are my memories. I can never be that happy again.

Conversations dominated by the two words: “if only” express a strong wish that things could be different in our present life, and a belief that our life would be different today if only we had made different choices in the past or if only, we could duplicate the past in the present. It’s difficult to enjoy the present or plan your future when your thoughts and energy are in the past. Looking backward does not move you forward.

It’s also true that our memories of the past – both wonderful and terrible – may not be accurate.  Was your life as perfect as you say it was or are you totally to blame for making bad choices that created a life that isn’t the life you want?

The human ability to mentally travel through time and create incidents and outcomes that never happened enables what’s called “counterfactual thinking.” Split the adjective in two and its meaning is evident. We can create events that run counter to the facts.  

Counterfactuals permit us to imagine what might have been. Research done on counterfactual thinking reveals that thoughts about the past that make us feel better are relatively rare, while thoughts that make us feel worse are exceedingly common. If Onlys deliver discomfort and distress.  What about substituting “At Least”?

At least I was strong enough or smart enough to survive the bad things that happened in the past whether caused by my own actions or someone else’s. Loss is painful but at least I was blessed with wonderful relationships and exciting experiences in the past and believe I will be in the future as well.  I’m grateful for the past, thankful for the present, and excited about the future.

This is the language that reflects the belief that moves you forward.

Something to think about.