The belief that “I must not fail,” is number 3 in our list of the Dirty Dozen Limiting Beliefs I’ll be writing about each month this year. It is closely linked to the two beliefs we’ve discussed so far, January’s “what will they think if I fail,” and February’s “I must be perfect, so I don’t fail.”
If you’ve been a high achiever all your life and somehow managed to get to a certain point in your life without experiencing failure, you may have developed the unrealistic and somewhat arrogant belief that you will always be successful. All it takes is hard work. People who fail are lazy. If they had just worked a little harder or longer, they too would be successful.
I once carried that unrealistic belief around in my head and believed that failure was fatal. How do you bounce back from a business failure, losing a job, a relationship that didn’t work out? How could I experience any of those things and not see myself as a failure? And, how could anyone else see me as anything but a failure? What would they think? So, I must be perfect.
That was the thinking that ruled my life until I experienced failure in each one of those areas and learned two valuable lessons:
- Sometimes no matter how hard you work there are factors beyond your control. You are not all powerful. Other people have the power to make decisions that affect you.
- Failure isn’t fatal. It doesn’t feel good, but it doesn’t last forever. Life goes on and so do you.
Failure is Freeing
The experience of failing made me feel less fearful, more confident, and more willing to take risks. It was actually very freeing and ultimately created more opportunities for me that would not have come my way if I hadn’t experienced failure that actually created space for new experiences and greater success. Looking back from the perspective of today, I feel more appreciation than regret. Experiencing failure ultimately led to an opportunity that changed the course and direction of my life.
When Dolly Parton was expanding her career beyond country music and into acting, a reporter asked her what she would do if acting or crossing over to popular music wasn successful. What if she failed? Her reply was that if she failed, she would just do something else.
Fear of failure actually has a name. It’s called Atychiphobia and described as a constant, overwhelming feeling of dread that accompanies pursuing your goals. People who live with atychiphobia often feel absolutely certain they will fail, even if that feeling is baseless. They believe they are not or will not be good enough and will disappoint people in their life.
When kept in check, a healthy fear of failure can be positive and lead us to better plan, focus, and preparation. When a fear of failure grows out of control it can become paralyzing and isolating.
Is a fear of failure holding you back? Here are seven signs that it may be:
- A sense of hopelessness about the future.
- Chronic worry.
- Concerns about what others will think of you if you fail.
- Frequent procrastination.
- High distractibility, being pulled off task by irrelevant or unimportant things.
- Avoiding people associated with a project or general goal.
- Physical symptoms that prevent working toward a goal.
What can you do if you believe the fear of failure is preventing you from living the life you desire? Here are 4 ways to move past “But what if?”
- Pinpoint exactly what you’re afraid of. Fears of failure are often vague. Once your fear is defined it becomes easier to challenge and mange.
- Answer your “what if” questions. So “what if” this happens? What can I do? When you answer the “what if” question, you can work through the worst-case scenario.
- Focus on the process not the outcome. We can learn from the process, but we can’t always control the outcome. Turn failure into a learning process of what to do differently next time.
- Remember that failure doesn’t last forever. It’s not the end. It’s just a pause.
Follow Dolly Parton’s advice and realize that if whatever you attempted to accomplish didn’t lead to the success you desired, you will just do something else.
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