On a rational level we know that perfection is impossible to achieve but that doesn’t stop a perfectionist from trying.
Perfectionism is defined as the need to appear perfect and is not the same as striving to be your best. Healthy perfectionism can be self-motivating and drive you to overcome adversity and achieve success. Unhealthy perfectionism makes life an endless report card on accomplishments and/or looks. It is extremely stressful because you constantly worry about making everything perfect, believe nothing is ever good enough, and never feel satisfied or fulfilled from your efforts.
How Do We Develop Unhealthy Perfectionism?
Unhealthy perfectionism is driven primarily by internal pressures, such as feelings of unworthiness; low self-esteem; fear of failure; the desire to avoid criticism or harsh judgement; the need to be praised or rewarded in some way that is meaningful to you and painful childhood experiences that you want to avoid ever feeling again.
Many factors can contribute to the development of unhealthy perfectionism, including:
The widespread presence of social media and the negative social comparisons it provokes has caused perfectionism to increase substantially over the past 30 years, especially among young people.
Having a parent who exhibits perfectionistic behavior or expresses disapproval when their children’s efforts do not result in perfection. Some parents may encourage their child to succeed in every area or push perfection on them to an extent that can be damaging to their self-esteem and considered abusive.
A history of high achievement can cause you to feel that you must live up to previous achievements. Children who are frequently praised for their accomplishments may feel pressure to keep achieving as they age, which can also cause perfectionistic tendencies.
There are three types of perfectionism:
- Self-oriented or self-critical which is imposing an unrealistic desire to be perfect on yourself.
- Other-oriented that drives you to impose unrealistic standards of perfectionism on others.
- Socially imposed perfectionism that perceives unrealistic expectations of perfection from others.
Of course, you can have all three. For example, you expect yourself to be the perfect spouse and parent, you impose unrealistic standards on your spouse and children because a perfect person would have a perfect family, and you do this because you believe your parents or in-laws have these expectations of you. It’s a triple whammy of self-imposed stress.
What you expect of yourself, expect of others, or believe they expect from you may impact many areas of your life including:
Relationships: It can bring extra stress and pressure into your relationships and cause people in your life to feel like they can never live up to your standards, which can negatively impact their self-esteem and level of confidence.
Environment or surroundings: This may include the need for your home or yard to be immaculate at all times, requiring a large amount of time and energy to keep surroundings in line with your standards.
Communication: When a person is perfectionistic about how they speak or write, or when you’re with someone who constantly criticizes yours or others speech and writing, you are likely to speak very little or avoid writing for fear of making a mistake.
Physical appearance: This type of perfectionism can cause someone to worry excessively about how they look. They may take hours choosing what to wear or how to style their hair. Perfectionism surrounding physical appearance can also lead to eating disorders.
Are you a perfectionist?
Do you have any of the following characteristics of perfectionists:
- Set unrealistically high expectations for yourself and others.
- Quick to find fault and overly critical of mistakes.
- Procrastinate finishing a task until the result is perfect according to your standards or procrastinate beginning one out of fear of failure.
- Shrug off compliments and find it difficult to celebrate success.
- Look to specific people for approval and validation.
- Constantly compare your work to the work of others and judge it never good enough.
- Spend an excessive amount of time writing and rewriting a two-sentence email.
- Find it difficult to be happy for others who are successful.
- Avoid playing a game or trying a new activity with friends for fear of appearing less than perfect.
- Continue to feel unsatisfied even when you achieve your desired result.
Managing Unhealthy Perfectionism
If you find that you have traits of perfectionism that cause you daily distress, know that perfectionistic behavior and habits can be changed. It is possible to learn healthier attitudes about your goals and standards.
First, focus on managing unhealthy perfectionism, since attempting to overcome it can set you up for failure. Changing negative thinking and behavior that is the result of a fear-based belief system takes time because your perfectionistic reactions have become habits. You have to identify the behavior and thinking at the moment it happens and replace it with healthier thoughts and behaviors until those become habits.
Second, follow the ABC approach mentioned in last month’s article on “I Must Be Perfect.”
A = Awareness of when perfectionism is negatively impacting your life. It may be at work, home, or when you are with certain people. Understanding this will help you focus on areas that need to change.
B = Belief this thinking and behavior is based on that needs to be replaced with non-perfectionistic thinking and behavior.
C = Choose to risk changing the behavior and thinking to eliminate the perfectionistic thinking and behavior and see what happens. I promise the result won’t be as terrible as you are imaging it will.
Third, the solution is always within the problem. You can take each one of the 10 perfectionistic traits you identified with and turn it around. For example,
- Ask yourself if your expectation is unrealistically high for yourself or others.
- Notice when you are finding fault with others and being overly critical of their mistakes and try finding something to compliment.
- Instead of procrastinating out of fear of failure, ask yourself what’s the worst that can happen if results are less than perfect?
- Accept compliments with a “thank you” and begin to celebrate small achievements.
I think you get the idea. You can follow the four examples for each one of the ten you think describes you.
The goal is to replace perfectionist thinking with realistic thinking, let go of the comparison mindset, use compassionate self-talk to replace critical thoughts, challenge negative self-judgments by asking why you believe it’s true, and be present in the moment and choose to end unhealthy perfectionism when it happens so the old self-destructive habits go away.
Positive Perfectionism
Your feelings are your barometer that indicate healthy and unhealthy perfectionism. Do you feel motivated and energized by your goals and not overwhelmed or paralyzed by what you believe you have to do or must do rather than what you want to do? When you’re doing what you really want to do you will feel excitement instead of fear. You will hear other people’s criticisms as their opinion and not necessarily true for you. You will feel proud of what you’ve attempted to do even if the outcome was less than perfect.
So, strive for excellence instead of demanding perfection, set stretch goals, have high standards, focus on what you have accomplished, and rather than being paralyzed by your fear of failure, go for growth, and enjoy being challenged. You will achieve more in the long run and live to enjoy it.
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